When I look back I can clearly see now all the red flags, all the telltale signs and the warnings from family and friends.
Yet I had chosen to overlook them, blindsided to the fact that I always tried to see the good in someone, give them the benefit of a doubt and looking for the potential they could possibly emanate.
But in reality I was dealing with a narcissist. And the only way to win with a narcissist is to not play at all. Game over!
I played it for far longer then I anticipated, 2 1/2 years of my time and energy wasted but then again in retrospect I can look back and think one day I’ll write a book about this, possibly a song or even do talks and educate others, forewarn them of the potential dangers of ever getting involved with a narcissist. Life’s lessons huh! Just stepping stones in the grand sceme of things … reminding myself here that it’s not about the destination but rather the journey along the way.
So not entirely wasted after all …
These last few weeks have had me researching so much information about the narcissist, how they operate, their mindset, their disorder, the complexity of how they view us as objects rather then people. I needed to understand it, how it came to this point and why. My mind needed to comprehend and process everything in order for me to completely understand that none of this was my fault and I don’t hold myself accountable for somebody else’s actions.
The sad thing is that I feel sorry in part because as a narcissist they will never know how to love or to receive love. They will always remain empty souls, seeking the validation of others to feed their ego. It’s a drug to them, an energy supply they go in search for.
Yes I should be angry and yes it would be easy to condemn him for his actions, for the manipulation and the mind games of trying to control somebody’s life just for their own gratification.
But above that I should be even more angry and hold contempt towards him for laying his hands on me because nobody has the right to touch another let alone inflict harm unto them. Anger is a too harsher word for me… Because holding onto anger only punishes myself. As the saying goes “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”
So I choose to let go …
This isn’t about you anymore, this is about me starting my healing journey to recovery. You’re not the centre of my universe as you would like to think you are, you’re merely just a life lesson and one I have learnt a great deal from. So thank you. Thank you for teaching me valuable lessons in my life, to not trust so easily with words if it’s not backed with actions and thank you for teaching me that ones trust needs to be earnt over time rather then be given freely all at once.
I will never get an apology from you, you don’t even know what remorse means let alone empathy. But that’s ok because I wouldn’t believe the words that would utter out of your mouth anyway.
I choose to forgive, I forgive the part of me that allowed you in and I forgive so that I can continue walking forth with conviction in my step and courage within my wake, with truth as my witness and honesty surging through my veins. This is teaching me a great deal about myself, the strength I hold and the integrity I now walk in.
I care not of what the people think of me right now, the flying monkeys, because I’ve always said that somewhere down the line the truth always surfaces.
The thing is that the sheeple people of today are so easily mislead. I was fooled, they too will be fooled. That ones easy enough to guess.
I’m not dictated by the thoughts and the judgements of those that don’t matter to me because those that do matter to me know me for who I am and will always have my back, they know the truth.
Ultimately in the end one can’t hide or run from the truth. That’s a universal law, another word for god, or however way your faith works.
karmic lessons in motion …
So now I say game over, it’s finished and I win!
Your love game didn’t work on me.