Monthly Archives: December 2019

Life is an obstacle course!!!


Sometimes life has a funny way of pushing you down, testing you, testing your will, your ability to rise against, your patience and your virtue.

When things seem smooth sailing and great, it just so happens that a huge wave is actually forming and building itself up against you!

Why do these occurrences happen and why is our soul tested in so many ways?

It can be exhausting, and damn right not fair. If you step outside your minds eye for a minute and assess the situation perhaps only then can you get clearer clarity and gain a better perspective of the situation.

Life throws us curve balls every single day but its up to us how we choose to accept this challenge.

The only way we can learn and grow as a person is to be placed in situations that enable us to better ourselves. What exactly is it that we are running from and why do we tend to build such a great big thick wall around our hearts to keep out any hurt that may occur.

Fear is a a huge obstacle course that takes us through a journey from the past. We hold onto it because we believe in our minds that we are not worthy of anything better. This fear is so built up that it has a life force all of its own disabling us to just be in the present, in the moment and to be at peace with ourselves.

It’s true and its very real, but what do you do when this ugly thing rears its disgusting head and tries to take control of your life? I could say face fear head on and move through it but it isn’t that easy. It takes time to recognize these emotions and what really triggers it off. If you are willing to work through it and admit that the past still haunts you then it’s the first step in disabling this emotion.

It’s hard and I know this first hand, but everything is a working progress and people will come into your life to show you or even make you aware without them knowing that improvement needs to be made with one self. A time for healing and a time for some honest truth with yourself.

I write this through my own experience and I have much work that needs to be done but I am grateful for opportunities in which have presented themselves and have given me a reality check.

You may loose some beautiful people in your life as a result of your fears, but those that are willing to see it through and be there at your worst are sure as anything deserving of you at your best.

lesson learnt!

What is Narcissistic supply?


We hear these words “narcissistic supply” a lot, and we may have even realised that narcissists need it and orient their lives around it.

But what does it really mean?

The truth is quite chilling and it’s essential to understand.

Narcissistic supply is a drug – it provides an emotional life force for the narcissist.

Like all drugs, “narcissistic supply” is chased for pain relief.

Like all addictions it’s the relief from pain that is addictive.

Addictions are a short term answer to being able to relieve oneself from emotional or physical pain.

The truth is emotional pain is often the most horrendous of all pains. Emotional pain is felt somatically in the body – and is usually more painful than physical pain, due to the self-annihilating beliefs about oneself that accompany it.

I discussed this in my article: How to Deal With Your Emotional Pain: The Right Way In Order To Grow and Expand.

Traditionally, all addictions are used to escape emotional pain and the horrendous accompanying self-definitions of, “I am worthless, defective and no good.”

Any energy that is sought from the outside to escape the fear of “self” is unwholesome, and generates more pain.

Such is the truth of a sex addict – who procures sex to avoid inner pain, or an alcoholic or a gambler, or a person engaged in any other addictive pursuit.

Like most addicts, the narcissist has to “mask” the addiction in order to get the supply. He or she doesn’t express to people, “I can’t stand being alone with myself. I need you to provide me with something / anything that takes me away from my inner self-annihilating self.”

In stark contrast, the narcissist strives to create a persona of confidence, charm and empowerment in order to groom others for narcissistic supply.

Why the Narcissist Has to Frenetically Avoid Self
The narcissist’s inclination towards addiction is horrific. All addicts have a reduced threshold to self-soothe – meaning to be with self to process emotional disruption and insecurities.

The ability to self-soothe requires emotional maturity and an “inner solidness,” which is reliant on healthy emotional development. Emotional intelligence is granted from healthy role models as a child, or self-created purposefully as result of inner emotional resolution and development work as an adult.

The narcissist is emotionally stunted – somewhere between the age of 3-7 years of age. Even though he or she may even be mentally brilliant in certain aspects, emotionally he or she is severely immature and has never developed. At a young age the narcissist “killed off” his or her inner self, deciding it was unacceptable and unable to get needs met, and developed a False Self replacement.

This False Self, because it is a false self is not real, authentic or stable. It is a childish fictitious character ever reliant on outside approval or attention. Because it is childish it is dependent, precarious and easily emotionally triggered. It does not possess the mature integrity of love, truth or loyalty.

The False Self is dependent on gaining validation that confirms its existence. This external validation is sought to avoid the narcissist sinking inside him or herself and feeling the truth of how the narcissist really feels about his or her existence,“The real me is a defective self that I despise and need to avoid at all costs.”

The narcissist’s inner being (the True Self) is damaged. When the cracks appear and the insane behaviour begins, this is the real person you meet. The inner self has trapped within it the festering accumulated wounds that the narcissist has tried to divorce him or herself from, by procuring narcissistic supply as the distraction.

The narcissist is engaged in constant self-avoidance.

These are original wounds that have never been healed. The literal abuse, neglect and mixed messages from childhood. The ineffective parental mirroring that did not allow the child to grow up with a sense of connection, safety, dependability, accepting and understanding limits, learning the ability to be resilient and self soothe, and learning how to delay gratification – which also created the inability to understand a peripheral of others, have a conscience or empathy, or know a reverence and love for self, others and life itself.

This is the basis of all addictive behaviour – a separation from self-worth, self-love and the ability to inwardly emotionally navigate life healthily.

If an individual does not have the inner resources, then they believe a sense of “self” must be provided by the outside world.

The narcissist pays the ultimate price of the disowned inner self being replaced by the False Self (ego). When the emotional going gets tough, the narcissist discovers he or she has only a shriveled inner being at the helm. This ineffectual inner being is defenceless when trying to fend off the self-annihilating Inner Critic, who confirms the narcissist’s gravest nightmare, “You are totally defective.”

The narcissist does not feel connected to, and loved and accepted by “existence.” He or she is suffering the ultimate spiritual starvation – which is the basis of trying to seek “self” in the wrong places. The wrong places means “the outside.”

This always brings about a feeling of unworthiness, scarcity mindedness, and the need to compete – the need to outsmart and the desire to win at the expense of someone else losing because of the beliefs of “not enoughness” “I am not enough” and there is “not enough” – therefore I have to be someone inauthentic and manipulative to try to win – and everyone else does this in a “dog eat dog” world.

That is the orientation of narcissism.

In the quest for narcissistic supply, people are reduced to objects. People are not individuals; they are just a drug to relieve inner torment. The pathology of maladaptation to avoid the narcissists’ inner wounds are so severe that these wounds are projected onto anyone else who is a target of supply.

The narcissist honestly believes these people are in fact the ones using the narcissist for narcissist supply.

Such is the twisted brain wiring, which acts as a buffer to preserve the narcissist’s False Self, and to continue avoiding his or her inner self.

“My bad feelings are always someone else’s fault.”

The Vicious Cycle of Narcissistic Supply
Like all maladaptation, created through fear and self-avoidance, there is a vicious self-perpetuating cycle.

This is true for any addiction.

The narcissist’s cycle is this: Inner anguish and self-loathing – seeking relief through outside attention to try to confirm another “reality” (the fictitious self) – not receiving feedback that adequately confirms the childish unrealistic demands of the False Self (an inevitable emotional hair-line trigger gets hit) – then more narcissistic supply is necessary to try to offset that narcissistic injury (the pain of inner anguish and self-loathing) … then … back to the start.

This is the spiral into total insanity, more pain and greater self-delusion.

As you see this cycle is self-perpetuating with no way out ….

The very definition of addiction is: when an urge or compulsion has emotional control over you. Narcissists feel powerless to control their urge to self avoid and seek outside attention to try to offset inner pain. It is a force that they have no conscious control over – like a parasitical energy which has a life of its own.

The truth of the matter is: the narcissist’s True Self (inner being) has been taken hostage by his or her ego.

A very, very good book to read, to grant you more information regarding the psychic virus of an ego run amok, is “Dispelling Wetiko” by Paul Levy. This book is heavy – and has a fair bit of psycho-babble – but nevertheless is a powerful account of the disease of narcissism.

Like all addictions, the true solution is consciousness. It is about humble and committed self-reflection (which an energised ego won’t allow). It is about addressing the core wounds that are fuelling the inner pain and the urge to avoid self.

There truly is no other solution for breaking the cycle.

The addiction to narcissistic supply is simply a symptom of these wounds – it’s how the narcissist’s wounds show up in every day physical life. The cause is so much more than an anxiety compulsion.

What is Narcissistic Supply?
Quite simply, narcissistic supply is energy – it is attention. It’s the knowing, “If I can extract attention from you, it allows me to know I exist.”

This may seem really weird – but if we can imagine that the True Self has been completely disowned and engulfed by a fictitious character of no real substance, then we can imagine how the narcissist feels. Sam Vaknin describes this feeling as being ‘dead on the inside.’

I have had narcissists (when I used to try to work on them with QFH years ago) tell me in rare windows of narcissistic injury – when the shock was so severe that their ego had momentarily crumbled – that they feel lifeless. Like their inner self was a huge black empty gaping hole.

The myth of vampires is modelled on narcissists. It is about the “un-dead” – beings not dead, but certainly not alive, and needing to suck the life blood of humans in order to exist.

I know it is creepy, but that is exactly what narcissists are – they need to suck energy and attention from people to feel alive in any capacity. And they need this distraction to try to drown out the inner screams of unworthiness, and defectiveness that are always threatening to emotionally eat them alive.

Emotionally healthy people are a source of their own good energy, which they bring to the table of life. This generates more good energy and expands life force. Narcissists are like a black hole sucking energy from life, as a bottomless pit. This is why they reduce, take and annihilate life force.

Narcissists, like vampires and parasites, are anti-life.

This is why, when a narcissist has targeted you as his or her drug dealer of narcissistic supply, you feel emptied out. Simply sitting with a person who is a psychic vampire, regardless of the “show” they are putting on, leaves you feeling emotionally drained and exhausted.

Initially narcissists are very good at reflecting back to you energy and making you believe they are supplying you with wonderful “energy” – but it’s set up to appear like that … and sooner or later the tables are turned horrendously.

As you more than likely have experienced ….

Narcissistic supply is all about this: “I need you to supply me with the version of myself I want to be, to escape the real self-loathing ‘dead’ inner version of myself.”

So this really means: “Give me something that lets me know I exist.”

Of course approval and acclaim is wonderful.

The problem is, this is sooner or later distrusted. The terminal issue is that narcissists loath themselves, and consequently don’t trust, believe or “like” anyone else either.

The “love” they feel for people is only the “high” of temporary relief from inner torment, which is NOT real love in any capacity.

As a result, inevitably the initial acclaim and high of narcissistic supply (approval) inevitably turns into, “Why is this person so nice? I know they are manipulating. They have an agenda; they are not to be trusted. They are setting me up to get something from me.”

So, the very approval the narcissist craves in order to escape his or her inner demons, is sabotaged.

But this still creates narcissistic supply, because the narcissist continues to avoid his or her inner self. Now this person is blamed for the very pathologies the narcissist suffers from. He or she is conveniently scapegoated for the narcissist’s painful unresolved inner wounds.

The goal posts get shifted, the narcissist starts poisoning, confusing, abusing – and the person who is “loving” the narcissist is severely wounded and reacts.

Now intense attention is granted.

The narcissistic now has A-grade narcissistic supply.

The narcissist receives the twisted delight in having his or her existence even more confirmed, “I must be incredibly significant to reduce you to this level of reaction.”

So many of us, before understanding narcissism, had no comprehension as to why a narcissist would so carelessly and purposefully stir the pot. When we understand what the total goal is – gaining narcissistic supply – we can understand there is very little value to the narcissist in creating harmonious, nurturing, sane, peaceful lives.

There is nowhere near enough drama in that to create diversions from being with self.

This is why it is so stock standard for narcissists to unexpectedly act out outrageous behaviour after bouts of things going well. When things get too calm, the narcissist starts sinking inwards to his or her wounds and needs to explode outwards away from them.

Please understand narcissistic supply is the use of any energy to know that they exist. When you start pulling away, this could be any tactic you could imagine.

The most common is any contact the narcissist does to get your head ticking. If the narcissist knows he or she can screw with your mind – this alone grants them the feeling of, “I exist because I know I can affect you.”

Any attention you grant – anything at all – just sucks you in deeper and feeds the narcissist. Any energy you burn on: why he or she said that, or did that, or what the agenda could be, or what he or she is really thinking, and so on and so forth, psychically, emotionally, mentally and physically sucks you dry.

If you are reading this article, there is every chance you know exactly what I mean – the feeling of being psychically taken over, and parasitically violated.

Objectification and Selling Out
Think of a severely addicted drug addict – what are they capable of doing? Selling their child? Some definitely are capable of doing anything to get the drug. One thing is for certain, the narcissist sold his or her soul out to serve the False Self long ago.

If you are connected to a narcissist, you are easily sold out as well. If you are not serving the False Self adequately, and you never can, nobody and nothing can – not the most loving, attractive or intelligent person, not the latest and best car, not the greatest riches, not the plushest penthouse … nothing will ever cut it – inevitably you will be devalued and discarded.

Like most hardened drug addicts, narcissists have back up supplies. After the initial idealisation phase wears off with partners, narcissists don’t get the insatiable “hit” they crave, and need supply in reserve – without loyalty, conscience or a backward glance.

Each object of supply, including people, is sought to get relief. Then like an entitled, never appeased child, each object is abused, broken and then tossed aside for another and another and another.

The False Self is insatiable and self-annihilating – that’s the purpose of the ego – it’s a virus. It destroys everything in its path and ultimately its host.

For the narcissist nothing ever lasts, there is never any commitment, love or loyalty. Everything and everyone is an object that will never make the grade, or produce real and abiding self-love, self-acceptance and inner tranquility – which is everyone’s reason for striving for anything.

The ultimate lesson for every human is this: these deeply desired emotions are states. They are never things we get, or people we get – they are not conditional on what we get in any shape or form – they are created by who we are being unconditionally as a state within ourselves.

They are deeply reliant and created only by the connection and relationship we have with our own inner self, regardless of what we do or don’t “get.”

The Narcissist and Co-dependent Similarities, and Our Healing
My purpose in discussing narcissists is not to put our focus on narcissists, believing that is the answer to our woes.

My purpose in discussing narcissists is to raise consciousness. In order to do that, we can only ever take responsibility for our own consciousness.

Consciousness is the ability to self-reflect, and to deeply work at the level of “No longer am I going to focus on what has happened to me – I am going to deeply assess and confront why this has happened to me.”

Evolving our consciousness entails taking 100% radical personal responsibility – it is the understanding there is only one thing we can ever affect and change – ourselves.

This is the only place where we have any power, to become the change we want to see in the world – one person at a time.

The more we point the finger to the outside at everyone else’s unconsciousness and don’t address our own consciousness levels, the more we contribute to unconsciousness.

I see this happen, time and time again in the abuse recovery communities. Intense focus on narcissists and nowhere near enough personal self-reflection or development.

We have no ability to change narcissists, and quite frankly no power or right to, because the narcissistic is not “us.” The only ability and right we ever have is: to change ourselves. That is the ONLY place our power lies.

If we don’t work on raising our own consciousness, then we will continue to attract narcissists, and be damaged by them, regardless of the logical information we know about them.

Life’s attractions, interactions and lessons are not being created at the level of the logical mind, which is always looking “outwards” and is intensely unconscious.

Our personal life experience is being generated by the subconscious currents that drive our choices, attractions and encounters. This is the 40 million bits of information that is being processed per second in your unconscious, as the powerful generator of your life, not the mere 40 bits of information per second taking place in your logical mind.

No-one would logically choose a narcissist – and I promise you that you certainly did not, just as I didn’t.

To become conscious, we need to be aware that everything and everyone in our life that is hurting us is showing us an aspect of ourselves that we haven’t found, acknowledged, and healed yet.

This is the “why” this happened to us.

There are many powerful healing reflections we can understand from the narcissist’s insatiable need for narcissistic supply – all generated from the urge to get outer approval.

It is very empowering to take responsibility for where we matched up to this.

Where were we struggling to confirm, accept and love self? What levels of deficient unconditional love did we have for ourselves? Where and why were we making our feelings about ourselves reliant on other people “seeing” and validating our worth for us?

I did a healing session with a lovely NARP Member yesterday, and her deep beliefs that appeared, which we shifted in the healing session were: “My survival relies on other people’s approval.”

This lady is not a narcissist. She has a conscience; she does not purposely manipulate or lie. She would never knowingly hurt anyone – yet of course she has hurt herself many times.

She has suffered feelings of emotional powerlessness when people haven’t approved of her, and she has hung on for crumbs with abusers. She has said “Yes” so many times and handed her personal power over, when “No” would have been self-loving and self-honouring. She has also struggled with addictions to try to ease her pain of this personal emptiness and powerlessness.

Can you see the direct match up?

Her simply learning about narcissists would never be her answer. After her first narcissistic abuse experience she became an expert researcher. She knew all there was to know about narcissists, yet she found herself smack bang in another narcissistic relationship.

Naturally the only true solution is the healing of her inner wounds that are matching her up subconsciously with narcissists. Fortunately that is the deeply committed inner work that she is determined to do, because she has had enough of the continual cycle of her faulty painful inner beliefs generating with life the validity of those beliefs.

Such is the power of the 40 million bits of information being processed per second within us. Our ingrained emotional painful beliefs play out to the letter, until we make the unconscious conscious, and heal them.

The Blind Spots of Unconsciousness
My client and I had a very interesting conversation at the end of the session yesterday about unconsciousness. She acknowledged that she has always felt like this since she could remember.

What this means is: she never knew any different. The anxiety was always there, the precarious self-loathing when people didn’t approve, or didn’t grant her feedback that made her feel valued, and the powerlessness of clinging on to trying to make abusive people grant her her worthiness.

Then came her total understanding that her mind kicked in try to manage these wounds. It looked outwards, and created stories. These stories go like this: “I’m really upset with the way you treated me,” or “Why do other people always get chosen and I don’t?,” or “I know you are horrible to me yet I still want you to acknowledge me, love me and look after me.”

In other words, if we remain unconscious, we all fall into the dire illusion that it is the outside creating our pain. Which is a totally false premise, because it is the inner faulty beliefs that are responsible. Life and others are simply stage-players playing out the scenes that produce the validity of these beliefs.

My client was going to approach her boss, over her dismissive treatment yesterday. Just like she had been confronting the latest narcissist about his treatment of her. Fortunately now she understands her true solution is the healing of her painful inner belief systems.

Her emancipation was always about meeting herself.

The truth is this – the battle we are doing in this Community is NOT a war against narcissism. It is a proactive movement to up-level consciousness.

“Wars” don’t work. Whenever we push back against something, all it ever does is energise it, confirm it more and feed it energy to push back harder.

We are never going to eliminate abuse and narcissists by doing that ….

Narcissists are pathologically unconscious. The narcissist has no ability to go inwards, face and deal with original wounds and up-level the very reasons as to why he or she projects inner wounds onto others and blames people for them. The narcissist is not going to heal his or her original inner wounding and break the vicious self-defeating cycle of trying to gain validation of self from the outside.

We will never force the narcissist to, and we will never protect people by focusing intense energy on narcissists.

The only remedy we ever have is to heal our own unconsciousness so that we are never again a match for another unconscious person.

When enough people do that – narcissists will no longer be able to groom “the outside” for supply. Conscious people simply do not get picked off by energetic predators.

You can only get picked off by a narcissist if you have the blind-spots of your own unconsciousness.

Powerless unconsciousness means holding someone else responsible for your own blind-spots.

Something we all need to deeply understand is: the more energy and focus that is granted to narcissists and narcissism grants narcissistic supply. It enables them and this horrible virus to exist.

Detaching fully and channeling our energy into the up-levelling of our consciousness starves narcissists – and without our energy to parasitically feed off they can’t exist.

The true healing solution always was, and always will be, raising our own consciousness.

I appeal to you to please share this article … because it is information that can assist the abuse recovery community on many levels.

Written by Melanie Tonia Evans



Narcissists and smear campaigns: Why they do it.


Narcissists and smear campaigns: Why they do it.

What is it with narcissists and smear 10EE8881-CFC0-4079-B488-6604E47C302C.jpegcampaigns??? If you’re reading this, you are most likely at the receiving end of a nasty, calculated and deliberate operation to poison your networks, driven by an abusive narcissist.
How is it possible that this can be happening? How can it be that on top of all you’ve suffered, you are now also facing losing family, friends, colleagues and/or community connections at the hands of the narcissist?
And all this, at a time when you’ve never needed support more.
Narcissistic abuse is devastating. There are no two ways about it. The narcissist comes at you, your identity, your life, like a wrecking ball smashing everything to pieces.
The smear campaign is just one more of the abusive narcissist’s tools custom built to destroy you.
Sense-making is so critical to your recovery journey. It is an instinctive reaction to any trauma in moving towards resolving the inexplicably awful.
As a victim of narcissistic abuse, you are also wrangling cognitive dissonance on a grand scale.
These factors combined are producing your voracious hunger for answers and researching narcissism.
Whilst no real sense can ever truly be made of pathological actions for the victim, this article intends to give you some answers.
We will look at what the smear campaign is; and why and when narcissists use this as a go-to strategy.
What is the ‘smear campaign’?
It is the intentional and systematic dissemination of deceptive information designed to undermine, discredit, and further isolate you.
The narcissist paints you in a misleading and toxic light using strategies including but not limited to exaggeration, instigation of rumours, slander, and lies.

The spreading of misinformation is not necessarily restricted to verbal communication. Some may go so far as to falsify documentation to substantiate their wild claims.
To get you where it really hurts, they target any person available to them who matters to you. No one and nothing is off limits to the narcissist.
This encompasses your family members, all friends both mutual and non-mutual, employer and/or co-workers, and members of communities to which you belong (e.g.: church, volunteering organisations, sporting teams etc.).
Anyone accessible to the narcissist in your professional and personal networks is fair game.
This will be mind blowing to you – how could they possibly go there? Your family? Your friends? How could they?
The answer is simple: because of their complete lack of boundaries and respect for yours or anyone else’s.
Why do narcissists and smear campaigns go hand-in-hand?
There will never be an adequate explanation for the horrendous act of being smeared with such vindictiveness. Particularly from one who either has, or still does, profess to care for you.
No reasoning will ever excuse the narcissist, nor account for the betrayal and broken trust you feel towards those in your previously solid support network who have lapped up the narcissists lies.
Having said this, understanding the motivations of the narcissist may help you acknowledge what kind of person they really are.
What makes them tic
Those who have Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) ‘discarded’ early on in life their true selves, replacing this with a false self as a protective mechanism.
This invented self is one built on beliefs of superiority, omnipotence, and entitlement.
Maintaining their delusion and the validity of their false self is a matter of survival (for their ego of course…). Because without this, there is no ‘self’ to the narcissist.
To sustain the beliefs attached to the false self, the narcissist constantly hunts for external reinforcement that they are correct. This is what fuels the narcissist, a.k.a. supply.
Asserting power over others through manipulation is how the narcissist proves to themselves that they are in control, and that they are indeed superior, omnipotent, and entitled to all they desire.
These mechanics are at the core of all the things the narcissist does. Including the smear campaign.
Let’s have a look at how it plays out.
Smear campaign triggers for narcissists
Scenario 1: Paving the way for discard
When the narcissist has sufficiently groomed their next target, and made the decision to move on to them, the inevitability of your discard looms.
This triggers their ‘go to’ set of well-used steps to make this happen.
As an abusive narcissist, they know that they have an established pattern of devaluation and discard in relationships.
They also know that to succeed in getting away with this repetitive cycle takes active management on their behalf.
In other words, to be able to keep doing it, they need people on side who won’t blow the whistle when they target and replace victims, one by one.
For the narcissist, the smear campaign is a handy strategy to mitigate the possibility of anyone asking questions, including the new target.
Specifically, questions around what kind of person would ditch their current partner (that they have been actively abusing and hence is suffering a bunch of psychological, mental, and physical symptoms which may be apparent to others), for someone they have been wooing as a replacement for quite some time?
And not just once, but over and over again.
Too many questions of this sort could place their choice of lifestyle, and any given primed & current source of supply, in jeopardy.
In addition to preventing this, and of equal importance to the narcissist is avoiding having their integrity questioned. The effect of this for them is tantamount to denying their superiority, omnipotence, and entitlement….a narcissistic injury in the making, and one to be avoided at all costs.
Clearly, protecting their abuse and discard lifestyle is paramount.
Being completely aware of all of this, the narc begins the smear campaign.
In this scenario, once the replacement is identified, and before discard takes place, the narcissist begins sowing insidious seeds of doubt in people’s minds.
Initially, subtle hints are suggested casually, and intricate tales involving some element of truth for believability are dropped here and there. For example, these could be weaving together evident facts to fit a fictitious tale, or exploiting your vulnerabilities.

As the need to discard becomes imminent, momentum gathers.
Having pinpointed receptive audiences in those who have not established a boundary with the narcissist, gears shift, and overt statements are made.
The narcissist at this point openly makes claims that are completely fabricated, as well as frequent projections detailing events that have actually taken place…except that upon their retelling suddenly you’ve both swapped roles. A reality switcheroo: you are the abuser, and they are the victim.
This is the aim of the game. To portray the narcissist as long-suffering at the hands of your crazed and abusive mind.
This way, the risk of being held accountable for their behaviours and actions is minimised. And, the likelihood of understanding from others of their need to break free from you, and receptivity to their new target, is increased.
Scenario 2: When you set yourself free
Believe it or not, the pervasive attitude of an abusive narc enacting Scenario 1, is one of nonchalance, almost of laziness. An entirely dispassionate (though thoroughly entertaining to the narc) and meticulous assassination of your character.
The purpose of the demolition is to remove you as an inconvenient obstacle to reaching their goal of replacing you with the new target.
In Scenario 2, the same basic mechanics take place as in Scenario 1, but the intent contrasts starkly.
See, here, you’ve upset the apple cart.
If you leave them, or have otherwise caused a significant narcissistic injury, the framework they cling to is fractured.
For a moment, annihilation takes place. Very briefly, the reality of their false self as a fabrication surfaces.
Narcissistic rage kicks in, and the drive to re-establish control and power over you, goes into hyperdrive. Their approach here is far more manic and backed by pure malevolence.
In this scenario, making you suffer in any way possible for daring to breach their delusional belief system is what consumes them.
Either way, the actions of one who seeks to malign the support networks, and character of one who is already hobbled from the suffering endured from their abuse, is beyond cruel. Monstrous in the extreme.
The choice
Pretty horrifying right?
If you have set yourself free and are facing the narcissist’s smear campaign, I hope that this information is some comfort. Of course, not for the fact of the gross losses you are coming to terms with, once again because of the narcissist.
The solace lies in knowing that you have made the choice to remove from your life a person capable of such calculated maliciousness. You can now begin your healing having cut the cancer out.
If you are reading this while still entangled with a narcissist, you may have reached for this article as part of weighing up your options in setting yourself free from the abusive relationship. As part of finding out what happens when you do walk away.
You may read this and think, ‘thanks for that big, fat deterring warning of the perils that await me if I break free – no way I’m doing that!’
But gorgeous one, if so, pause for a moment and think about this decision.
I mean really think about it.
In choosing to stay because of your dread of the smear campaign, and a million other very frightening possibilities – what are you choosing?
You are acknowledging what this person is: an abusive narcissist that you should indeed be fearful of.
A cruel, damaging human being, who will actively pursue harming you.
This is not cause to stay.
These are the very reasons you must break free as soon as possible. Think of it as your mitigating action to prevent ongoing harm by staying.

If you are fearful of your safety in any way, whether physically, psychologically, financially, in whatever way…reach out to your local authorities and support services for domestic violence to support you in breaking free.
But do this you must. For you.
There is no denying the difficulties at hand in breaking free.
Yet the sooner you surmount these (again, with support if needed), the sooner peace, freedom & joy will settle into your being.
You’ve got this gorgeous one.
As always gorgeous ones, please do share your insights, tips and experiences on the narcissist and smear campaigns. The more we share, the more we teach one another and help those in need to take their step towards freedom.
With gratitude,

The truth about a Narcissist… in the end they want to destroy you.


Narcissists don’t want what you want and you can end up twisted like a pretzel trying to ‘work them out’. From your framework, values, and ideals you are always going to come up empty – because it’s like trying to understand a foreign language if you only spoke English!

Generally, people enter relationships for the goal of seeking love, happiness, and improvement to their life (peace and harmony). And when they are in the bliss chemicals of “love” it can feel like they’ve made it “home” to this place with another person.

However, if you have entered a relationship with a narcissist, within a period of time you start discovering anomalies to this model of “love”. In amongst the brain-bending confusion you see that they don’t want to remain happy and this is gut-wrenching. In fact, they would rather be “right” regardless of the cost to happiness, harmony, and peace.

And when there is a period of things going calmly and smoothly, this person needs to create drama or an episode that sabotages that peace. Then this person behaves as if the reconciliation you reached yesterday meant nothing.

All of this astounds you because naturally, you want resolution with issues. You want to put the bad times away, mend arguments and even be content with agreeing to disagree but for some reason, this person in your life does NOT want to be happy.

You don’t want to believe that there is a pattern here but you can’t deny that this happens over and over again.

And this one really bends your mind – this person says they LOVE you and wants this relationship to work (and may even declare they will do anything to ensure this relationship works) – YET their actions declare the exact opposite.

So what’s going on? – Narcissists are living as dire “separation” from Oneness – from community, honesty, harmony and authentic connection, and the emotional vulnerability of true love – and are literally terrified of it.

Because it would mean they would not be able to maintain the necessary “separation” they believe they need to survive in a world with people they can’t trust.

So why connect at all – why don’t narcissists stay apart and stop getting into relationships?

Because they need narcissistic supply.

They need narcissistic supply like a drug addict needs crack, ice or heroin … and the best source of narcissistic supply is other human beings.

Here is the quandary for the narcissist and it’s a tormenting one – one that is a fine balancing act that requires a great deal of acting, falsities, and drama. The narcissist needs to pull people close in order to extract narcissistic supply but needs to then push them away to keep them at arm’s length so that they never truly connect.

The act of love-bombing and “falling in love” is a powerful way to pull people in, and it grants copious amounts of narcissistic supply.

The intense “love” that the narcissist basks in, is no more than a huge hit of the drug that the addict blisses out in whilst under its effects. This is large doses in the honeymoon period big doses of the attention that the narcissist needs to feel “alive” – the feed of significance, accolades, recognition or even notoriety.

This is NOT genuine love, because the narcissist is still firmly and terminally “separate”. People whose brain wiring is under the influence of a False Self are connecting only for narcissistic supply – and not to “connect” into genuine Oneness (mutuality, respect, love, teamwork, trust, peace) with the other person.

In stark contrast, right for the beginning, the narcissist is gathering information about you, so that he or she is armed and ready to strip your power down, hit your weak spots and disable you so that you will never have the upper hand.

Psychically and emotionally you are being set up in a way that the narcissist believes you can and will be rendered harmless and controllable.

Of course, that is Universe’s apart from genuine love.

It’s actually a deadly game of know thy enemy.

Written by Melanie Tonia Evans

Much love xo ❤️2FBE8B8E-75B4-482B-AC09-3321EC991ADE.jpeg

Narcissist will always pathologically lie.


The narcissist is very capable of telling solicitors, police and courthouses exactly whatever lies they want to, in order to try to punish you, get the upper hand and win, project blame, create smear campaigns, play the victim as if they have been vilified (especially when things aren’t going well for him or her), and of course disregard any personal accountability for his or her unacceptable behaviour.

When you see the blatant lies unravel under your nose, you will initially be shocked. People who enter into relationships with personality disordered individuals usually have a high level of integrity, and as such, you may feel incredibly shattered when you think, How on earth could I have ever been in a relationship with this person?

Your anguish is: How on earth does someone behave like THAT? Especially someone I was having a LOVE relationship with?

Your whole sense of moving on and forward may be pulled into the narcissistic muck – the pathological “stink,” – because your emotions feel so polluted by the unfathomable lies and acts that this person creates.

What Else Would You Expect?

You know you have been subjected to the ridiculous conversations where the narcissist refused to remain topical, refused to answer questions, and would bring in absurd examples and allies to thrust down your throat with all the logic of an angry five-year-old.

You know that they have created untruths and smear campaigns against you in the past, and continually breaks his or her word, drags up information from the past (that he or she professed to be resolved with), and is never happy to live and reside in the now without projecting inner emptiness and torment onto you and making his or her inner demons your fault.

You know this person has a capacity to lie and falsify documentation and has told you how he or she has done this in the past to try to gain the upper hand, secure a deal or manipulate a situation.

You know that this person had no respect for integrity or karma at those times, and thought they were entitled to behave like this – regardless of committing fraud, breaking the law, or how it affected the integrity of an organisation or the reputation of other individuals.

You know this person is capable of faking situations, illnesses, and injuries in order to try and gain sympathy or detract from the real issues at hand.

You know this person is paranoid about being lined up and attacked and will resort to any lengths – criminal or pathological – to “defend” themselves, “one-up” the situation, and believe that the ends justifies the means.

So truly WHY should this be a surprise?

Narcissists are a false self – and therefore don’t have a conscience when it comes to lying. Their life is a scripted illusion of the fantasy and high acclaim they like to believe they are living, which is completely different from how they truly feel about themselves on an inner level.

When the walls crumble between the illusion and the reality, the narcissist resorts to more scripted lies to try and offset his or her narcissist injury of being exposed to the world for what he or she really is – a person without real substance.

I promise you the ability to lie is a self-inbuilt survival mechanism. You see, narcissists don’t believe the truth serves them. They don’t believe they are lovable and acceptable as they are, and they carry immense shame for the way they have to operate. As such, more lies are needed to cover up the previous lies; otherwise, the narcissist would have to face the truth of who they really are – and they will avoid that at all costs.

The narcissist’s lies are not personal – their lack of integrity and conscience has nothing to do with you, your life, and the creation of your truth.

What you are seeing is a gift; it is confirming to you the relief of knowing that you are getting this person out of your life. The relief of knowing there is no lost love with a person who has the ability to be a pathological liar, and this behaviour is something that decent people with mature and healthy emotional intelligence just don’t do.

To gain a greater understanding of what you are dealing with/or have been dealing with AND how to find relief and a healing solution to move forward in your life – sign up for my free 16 Day Recovery Course –

Why? because you deserve to have a Thriver’s life – it’s your birthright.


written by Melanie Tonia Evans

Much love xo ❤️ACA6C4E7-0452-4436-A5A3-E75048C45EA2.jpeg

How you became the other woman to the narcissist .


D1B94D23-AF3C-4FEE-B4BB-EAC358D2AAA7.jpegHow You Became the Other Woman


They say knowledge is key and using that knowledge becomes wisdom when applied.

“I cannot teach anybody anything. I can only make them think”

Having recently started to educate myself about the masterminds of a narcissist , I have come across so much information in regards to the twisted turn of events, and how In Narcissistic relationships you become the “Other Woman”.

While the Narcissist’s infidelity itself is unfair, the really sad part is that when this happens to each woman, she feels extremely isolated because she thinks she’s the only one “crazy” enough to accept this arrangement. What she doesn’t realize is that this is very common among women who are involved in a dysfunctional relationship with a Narcissist. In fact, it’s one of the biggest indicators of the depth of pathological manipulation the Narcissist is capable of.

Logically, who would stay  to allow their partner to have a primary lover outside of the relationship, or stick around after being found out you’re just another supply after seeing first hand he was caught out or furthermore, him being exposed as having multiple “fake” relationships and declaring his love to each of these women and who only comes around when he’s bored or his main partner is “out of service” and using you?


Shocking, yes? If you haven’t been through this experience, you may have felt a sting of indignation just imagining this happening to you. If you have been through this, you probably felt nauseated. These are all natural reactions of those who have high moral standards and empathy for other people.

The Narcissist doesn’t have morals or empathy. He couldn’t care less about how his cheating affects the people in his life who are supposed to be precious to him. To drive my point, I read about a woman whose Narcissistic husband was out cheating while she lay in the delivery room about to give birth to their child!

If you’ve become the “Other Woman”, you are not alone. And while it may seem impossible right now, you can put a stop to this injustice and reclaim your dignity and self-worth. But first, I will explain how the Narcissist’s new love interest became his main squeeze and you morphed into the “Other Woman”, sitting around waiting for him to throw the proverbial bone.

1. The fall of the fairytale

At some point in your relationship, the Narcissist decided you weren’t good supply anymore. It may have been something simple, such as your asking him to put his dirty clothes in the laundry hamper, or being too tired to cook a four-course meal after working 12 hours. Narcissists are selfish and trivial that way. Or, perhaps it was something scandalous, like your catching him looking at porn or sending Facebook messages to other women. Either way, there was a definite turning point where you fell off the pedestal and he went looking for other sources of supply. You’ve seen his ugly side, and he can’t tolerate living under scrutiny. The whole crux of Narcissism is living as one pleases without any accountability.

2. The newer model

At this point, the Narcissist went out in search of a new source of livelihood. This is akin to someone going to a dealership and test-driving different cars. That’s exactly what the Narcissist does when he’s securing new supply. He doesn’t keep his focus on just one model, he wants to see what other models have to offer, and thus he literally went out (behind your back) openly flirting and hooking new victims.

After finding an acceptable replacement, he started the devalue and discard phase. All of your insecurities and weaknesses were manifested at once. He did and said everything he could in order to make you feel completely worthless. And it worked. Even worse, your feelings of not being good enough were amplified by the fact that he began to flaunt the new woman in your face.

3. The switch

This is where you converted to the Other Woman. The real OW became his new love interest and he discarded you. Often, this discard happens in front of the new woman. While she may gloat and have a holier-than-thou attitude about the whole thing, she doesn’t know that you were clueless about her until the last minute. Where you simply confronted your partner about cheating, she thinks you stalked him down because you’re bat-sh** crazy, as the Narcissist would have her believe. This scenario is often engineered by the Narcissist in order to deliver the final blow. Remember how you saw his ugly side? He has to overcompensate for that. And the only way he can accomplish this is by showing you how great he is to someone else, and what better way to do that than to tag-team against you with his new supply?

So there you were, utterly defeated and thrown away like yesterday’s meatloaf. The time and love you invested in the relationship was gone. Your self-esteem was at an all-time low, and you truly believed no one would ever give you the time of day for the rest of your life.

The reason you felt that way, and still do, is because the Narcissist brainwashed you into believing it. Much like Baby Elephant Syndrome, you remain trapped by your limiting beliefs.

You believed the Narcissist when he came around pretending to have second thoughts about the whole thing when, in reality, he realized someone else would eventually try to win your heart and that sure as hell isn’t going to happen if he has anything to do with it!

In the Narcissist’s mind, you are his property. Even though he doesn’t really want a relationship with you, he doesn’t want anyone else to have you, either. So, he threw out a few crumbs to see if you would bite, and you did.

(Every time I tried breaking off the relationship with my one, he would cry crocodile tears, proclaiming his love, to the point where he made you feel like you were the nasty one wanting out. I would always give in because he was so good at manipulating his words, I fell for them, until that fateful day that I actually caught him in bed with another woman. He couldn’t explain himself out of that one with me so instead he reacted with violence. Blessed am I now to be done and dusted with that relationship!)

…Back to you

You gave him a key to your new apartment. You allowed him back into your bed. You started paying some of his bills again while he fed you soup about being “trapped” in the relationship with the new woman. According to him, the only reason he started a relationship with her was because she offered him something you couldn’t (money, social connections, fringe benefits, etc.) Furthermore, you’re not good wife material, but he still cares about you and doesn’t want to lose you…sound familiar? In time, you found yourself waiting endlessly for him to give you one minute of his spare time while he went about his days without giving you a second thought…until it would serve him in some way to do so.

It’s Not Love

You think you’re still in love, but it’s not love…it’s toxic attachment. If you’ve heard of toxic relationship cords, the two of you are connected energetically and because the relationship was so intense, these cords are thicker and more defined. Cords of attachment are negative and hold the negative energies that were part of the relationship. In this cord are stuck memories of betrayal, anger, hatred, sadness, fear, rejection etc. Even if you’re no longer seeing each other, because of this cord, toxic emotions affect your peace of mind, health and happiness.

Through a combination of toxic cord attachments and the Narcissist’s conditioning, you are energetically and mentally connected to your abuser. You are ensnared in a “trance of unworthiness”. And you look to your abuser to anoint you with value, but that won’t happen. Ever – unless he’s trying to hoover you back into his snare.

You are the only one that can acknowledge your worth, and it’s not something you have to earn. It’s something you already possess. It’s buried underneath your feelings of personal deficiency, and only through recognizing this and facing it head on will you begin true healing.

In closing, in order to truly heal you must cut all ties with the Narcissist. He will only leave you stewing in a swamp of shame. Regardless of what he says, he doesn’t love anyone…not even the new woman, in spite of what it may look like.

Your healed life starts with one step…