Narcissists don’t want what you want and you can end up twisted like a pretzel trying to ‘work them out’. From your framework, values, and ideals you are always going to come up empty – because it’s like trying to understand a foreign language if you only spoke English!
Generally, people enter relationships for the goal of seeking love, happiness, and improvement to their life (peace and harmony). And when they are in the bliss chemicals of “love” it can feel like they’ve made it “home” to this place with another person.
However, if you have entered a relationship with a narcissist, within a period of time you start discovering anomalies to this model of “love”. In amongst the brain-bending confusion you see that they don’t want to remain happy and this is gut-wrenching. In fact, they would rather be “right” regardless of the cost to happiness, harmony, and peace.
And when there is a period of things going calmly and smoothly, this person needs to create drama or an episode that sabotages that peace. Then this person behaves as if the reconciliation you reached yesterday meant nothing.
All of this astounds you because naturally, you want resolution with issues. You want to put the bad times away, mend arguments and even be content with agreeing to disagree but for some reason, this person in your life does NOT want to be happy.
You don’t want to believe that there is a pattern here but you can’t deny that this happens over and over again.
And this one really bends your mind – this person says they LOVE you and wants this relationship to work (and may even declare they will do anything to ensure this relationship works) – YET their actions declare the exact opposite.
So what’s going on? – Narcissists are living as dire “separation” from Oneness – from community, honesty, harmony and authentic connection, and the emotional vulnerability of true love – and are literally terrified of it.
Because it would mean they would not be able to maintain the necessary “separation” they believe they need to survive in a world with people they can’t trust.
So why connect at all – why don’t narcissists stay apart and stop getting into relationships?
Because they need narcissistic supply.
They need narcissistic supply like a drug addict needs crack, ice or heroin … and the best source of narcissistic supply is other human beings.
Here is the quandary for the narcissist and it’s a tormenting one – one that is a fine balancing act that requires a great deal of acting, falsities, and drama. The narcissist needs to pull people close in order to extract narcissistic supply but needs to then push them away to keep them at arm’s length so that they never truly connect.
The act of love-bombing and “falling in love” is a powerful way to pull people in, and it grants copious amounts of narcissistic supply.
The intense “love” that the narcissist basks in, is no more than a huge hit of the drug that the addict blisses out in whilst under its effects. This is large doses in the honeymoon period big doses of the attention that the narcissist needs to feel “alive” – the feed of significance, accolades, recognition or even notoriety.
This is NOT genuine love, because the narcissist is still firmly and terminally “separate”. People whose brain wiring is under the influence of a False Self are connecting only for narcissistic supply – and not to “connect” into genuine Oneness (mutuality, respect, love, teamwork, trust, peace) with the other person.
In stark contrast, right for the beginning, the narcissist is gathering information about you, so that he or she is armed and ready to strip your power down, hit your weak spots and disable you so that you will never have the upper hand.
Psychically and emotionally you are being set up in a way that the narcissist believes you can and will be rendered harmless and controllable.
Of course, that is Universe’s apart from genuine love.
It’s actually a deadly game of know thy enemy.
Written by Melanie Tonia Evans
Much love xo ❤️