One study reveals that individuals with the narcissistic character traits enumerated above possess what the authors define as narcissistic awareness: they know of their tendency to be narcissistic from time to time.

The other kind however, is a genuine psychiatric disorder, and if you aren’t prepared, you will find yourself the victim of narcissistic manipulation.

Individuals who meet the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder use extremely manipulative tactics when dealing with relationships.

This is due to their dishonesty, lack of empathy and their tendency to be outwardly exploitative.

Recognizing their harmful influence, and removing yourself from the grip of narcissist manipulation is the best thing you can do to protect your mental and emotional well-being.

Here are 7 Of The Most Harmful Narcissistic Manipulation Tactics:

1. Public and private shaming.

Whether it is in a public setting, or the privacy of your own home, a narcissist will make comments that belittle you. They derive pleasure from making others feel small, look weak, or appear less intelligent than themselves. This form of manipulation is subtle- dangerously so. You won’t recognize it under the guise of “I’m only kidding.” “Can’t you take a joke?” or “I’m just trying to help you.” Eventually you begin to rely on their hurtful words. Or rather, you rely on the hope that one day you will be “good enough”, and they won’t have to say them.

Trust me, you are good enough already.

Narcissistic individuals feel very comfortable in today’s world of global interconnectedness, where public shaming is being used to shift our beliefs, and we’ve started accepting is as the new normal.

2. Third-party reinforcements.

Of course the narcissist needs back up. Their egos are massive, and as big as they are, they are equally fragile. This means that regardless of what you say, or how much logic you use, or what facts you have on your side, you won’t win. You can’t. They have already swayed one of their friends or colleagues and convinced them to take their side.

Unbeknownst to you. So now, you, the person you intended to have the conversation with, and a third-party member of their choosing are now all a part of this triangle of defeat from hell. This is known as triangulation.

Toxis narcissists do not miss a chance to triangulate their partner with family members, friends, colleagues, ex-boyfriends or girlfriends, or even complete strangers in order to spark jealousy and uncertainty in them.

3. Minimizing your worth.

When your relationship began, the narcissist complimented you and made you feel like you both could be the greatest couple that ever walked the earth. You were so happy- or you thought you were. Then they started changing things around. The compliments turned into things you needed to change about yourself. The way they liked your hair is now “dated” or “silly.” Your awkward puns that everybody genuinely enjoys?

“Nah, those are dumb too, and the people only laugh because they pity you.” You will never feel like you are worth more than what they say you are.

4. Perpetuating the role of victim.

Despite the fact that you’re the one who is being victimized, the narcissist will turn it around on themselves. You might have told them how it feels like you are talking to a brick wall when you try to get through to them, and the narc will say something like, “See? I just can’t get through to you.”

It literally makes no sense whatsoever, and their words will have you questioning if you really are the one to blame. Maybe you just haven’t been clear enough. Do not fall for this kind of manipulation.

5. Gaslighting or “crazy-making.”

Each one of these types of manipulation can damage your mental and emotional health, and this happens because we start to doubt ourselves and our sanity. We begin to question if we really said something, or if they never said something, or if everyone else sees the same thing you do. Well, unless they are living with them, someone else isn’t going to see what you see. Gaslighting works exceptionally well for the narcissist because there is no proof.

You can’t prove how they feel, and you can’t prove if they said something or acted irrationally. Of course, you could record them, but then you would be the crazy one. Again, it all goes back to making you rely on them- for your sanity, for your worth, and for your very basis in reality. If that’s not dangerous, I don’t know what is.

6. Controlling everything.

The conversation, the meals, the social outings, the bills- literally everything. The narcissist feels the need to control these things so they are the center of attention and main focus of the relationship. If you want to talk about your day, go for it. But know that they won’t hear you, they won’t remember anything you’ve said, and the conversation will immediately encompass their day.

This eventually causes you to forget all about yourself and what you want. As soon as the relationship reaches this level of manipulation, stop, and ask yourself what you are doing and where you can go from here that will better your life.

7. Project, and deflect.

Remember, the narcissist is flawless. So if they’re upset about something at work, or if they’ve been made aware of one of their many “flawless” attributes, they are going to take it out on you. And guess what? You aren’t going to be prepared. You can’t be. When you say something that triggers them (and it could be anything under the sun) you become the target of their aggression. Not only is this dangerous for your mental and emotional health, it can be detrimental to your physical health as well. Read more at CPOE.org website

Increased levels of cortisol rush through your body when your stress levels are elevated, and too much of it can cause heart problems.

A brief conclusion

Hopefully, knowing these signs can help you to recognize and identify them when they happen, so you can take the appropriate measures. These can include anything from physically distancing yourself from the narcissist (e.g. stop meeting them, moving out of the home you share with them, or even moving out of town) to building an emotional barrier around you, whereupon you just cut all communication with them.

The Narcissistic Weapon of Choice, and its Catastrophic Damage to the Psyche.

The term cognitive dissonance is used to describe the feelings of discomfort that result when your beliefs run counter to your behaviors and/or new information that is presented to you. People tend to seek consistency in their attitudes and perceptions, so when what you hold true is challenged or what you do doesn’t jibe with what you think, something must change in order to eliminate or reduce the dissonance (lack of agreement). A classic example of this is “explaining something away.” — Verywellmind.com
Cognitive dissonance is a catastrophic breakdown of steadfast beliefs and self-knowledge. It is the sense of complete confusion — an entire dissolution of clarity. It feels like mental torture. If you have been in a relationship of any kind with a narcissist, you will know this feeling well.
In day to day life, we all face bouts of cognitive dissonance. In small doses, and dealing with normal healthy people this is no bad thing as it can allow us to consider two sides of the same coin with fact, reason and critical thinking.
But when cognitive dissonance becomes a pattern of ongoing conflict and confusion in your mind as a result of toxic abuse, severe damage can be done to your sense of self and personal autonomy.
In a relationship with a narcissist, Cognitive Dissonance underlies trauma-bonding. In its extreme, it can cause Stockholm-syndrome and battered wife syndrome.
With Narcissists
Word Salad
Narcissists are spectacularly skilled in causing cognitive dissonance.
They engage in word-salad type monologues — taking you on a wild goose-chase with their words and long self-oriented tirades. You are left exhausted and depleted trying to decode what it is they are saying.
If you manage to get a word in edgeways, narcissists will surreptitiously sidestep the thrust of your every point, and then deflect and redirect incessantly to a point where you cannot even remember where you started or how you end up at the final destination. The final destination looks like chaos — a complete and utter jumble of words and re-framed semantics that actually lack meaning entirely.
Projection
They are even more adept at redirecting to you. Woe betides if you express sadness or disappointment at the narcissist. Masters in the art of projection, you will be on the receiving end of all their rage and self-hatred. They will insult you, criticise your character and press deeply on all your own insecurities to deflect the spotlight from themselves. What started out as you hoping for some resolution from your disappointment, finishes with you doubting yourself and all that you are.
Projection is an insidious form of lying — by projecting unto us, we are the ones to blame and the narcissist avoids all accountability. Shame is often the cornerstone of their projection. It lies at the root of the narcissistic personality type. Narcissists cannot handle the deep severity of the emotion thus they project it onto others in a primitive attempt to rid themselves of it.
When you love this person, cognitive dissonance magnifies in its power. It slowly breaks down the psyche causing chronic confusion — about yourself, and about the person in question. We wonder, how can this person keep saying the same things if it isn’t true? They love me, so they must be right. How horrifically tragic it is when we start to believe this.
Gas-lighting
Of all the weapons in the Narcissists armory cabinet, this is probably his favourite. Gas-lighting is a deleterious maneuver that narcissists and other toxic types use to make you bring your own sanity into question.
“I think I am losing my mind, I don’t know what is real and what is not anymore.”
It is a terrible notion to believe — that somebody we love could be purposely trying to distort our version of reality but sadly it is a reality in life with a narcissist. Narcissists use this tactic to make us dependent on their account of reality whilst covertly pulling the rug from under our feet so that you are no longer on psychological or emotional terra-firma.
Examples of Gas-lighting
Flat-out denial of events that occurred, words that were uttered, abuse that took place.
Reversal and projection of facts — onto you. “It’s you that is insane, why do you think I keep telling you this? I say it all the time but you just don’t listen, I’m tired of you not hearing me.”
They’ll tell you you’re irrational, you’ve lost your mind, you are too sensitive.
The supremely artful narcissists of the covert type will mask their words under sweet-icing “No baby, I know what is right for you, you just need to trust me, what I am saying is right.” Or, “I was just joking sweetie.”
Your deepest wounds will be prodded and poked at — upturning your self-control and emotional stability.
Reactive abuse — goading you to a point where you implode and then blame you for being the abuser.
Cognitive Dissonance Paralyses Clarity and Agency
Rationalization — something feels intuitively very wrong, but we rationalize the behaviour of the toxic other; they love me, they wouldn’t want to hurt me on purpose. This explanation reduces the anxiety of the abuse, strengthening the toxic trauma-bond to the abuser.
Defensiveness — we defend the toxic individual to other people, especially when loved ones are trying to protect us. We think the abuser is simply misunderstood, that we understand their psychological wiring and therefore must act to defend it.
Denial — the brain goes into overdrive to protect the internal conflict. It is too painful to consider that the person we care for may actually be abusing us. So we deny the reality and force it deep into our unconscious. But the conflict is magnified by doing so and will rear its head in complete emotional depletion.
Justification — we justify to ourselves why we need to stay in the relationship. Maybe we think that the narcissist suffered terribly in childhood and justify his behaviour.
The Impact of Cognitive Dissonance to the Psyche
A complete deterioration of self-worth. Tragic but inevitable that self-worth breaks down when your mental reasoning is protecting an abuser to the point that you believe it is you to blame for the toxic state of the relationship. This reasoning is the only way the brain can justify staying in the partnership.
Chronic self-doubt. The line between right and wrong is now entirely muddled, blurry. We are no longer in control of destiny, emotions, desires. We have become wired to the ambient mood and behaviours of the toxic other, enmeshed in their way of thinking and being. Self-doubt becomes an internal disease, rendering the psyche entirely devoid of a sense of self.
Perfectionism and people-pleasing. Unconscious fear about the next bout of rage or shift in mood leads to a persistent hypervigilance. This vigilance is a finessed attunement to the moods of the other, allowing us to cultivate ways of avoiding or deflecting the next meltdown or round of abuse. How this plays out in practice is perverse pleasing of the other — anything to avoid further damage. In doing so we lose ourselves entirely in the other, neglecting ourselves fully in the process.
Social withdrawal and isolation. The clever narcissist has a way of making himself look like a pillar of grace and humility. And he will make you look like you’re deranged and unhinged. So we withdraw from those that we love, retreat into our hovels of confusion and despair, further amplifying the self-doubt that is haunting the mind.
Profound lack of clarity. You no longer know what is real and what is not, what is right and what is wrong. Your narcissistic loved one has shattered your sense of reality so you have to clarify everything — when somebody speaks you ask them to elaborate, to be clearer — you don’t trust your own perception or interpretations.
What to do When You Realise You’re Suffering From Chronic Cognitive Dissonance
Your intuition has probably been telling you for some time that something is interminably wrong. You care for this person deeply, but you feel confused, lost and depleted for the majority of your waking hours.
Confusion and depletion are luminescent markers of cognitive dissonance.
So now what?
Take a big step back from the toxic other, and seek help. If you can get access to a counselor or therapist this will be a great blessing to yourself and your healing from this covert emotional abuse. A therapist or counselor will help you wade through the murky terrain and identify the behaviours and actions of the narcissist. In doing so, you will reclaim all of what you have lost in time — control, self-worth and clarity.
Accept that the other person cannot change. Certainly not with your help, only with that of a therapist. Even then, it is sadly unlikely that they will change. Their behaviours are deeply embedded in their personality structure, formed in very early childhood. Moreover, it is a the hallmark of a narcissist that they never ever believe they are in the wrong. This would shatter their false illusion of entitlement and grandeur. This is the most heartbreaking aspect of it all — especially if we really love the narcissist. But it is an immutable truth: they cannot and will not change.
Remove this person from your life — they have been abusing you, intentionally. Any human being that purposefully makes us question our sanity does not deserve any place in our life.
Seek clarity as your number one goal in these early days after you have removed yourself from the relationship. The loss of definitive lines is the main crux of the damage done. We need to regain this as a priority. Only then can we rebuild the definition of right and wrong, real and fiction, healthy and unhealthy. And then reclaim ourselves and all that we stand for and believe in. Friends, family and therapists can help us redefine the lines (with permanent marker this time).
Surround yourself with good, kind people that love you and respect your boundaries. A healthy soul does not try to bulldoze over, or eradicate your personal boundaries. Someone who truly loves us will respect the lines that we draw.
When cognitive dissonance betrays our once wise and clear mindset, we feel like we have lost ourselves. Rest assured, this is a temporary madness, we can reclaim all that has been squashed under the oppression of narcissistic abuse. We just need a little time, and a whole lot of love from ourselves and healthy loved ones.
N.B. Narcissists come in all shapes and sizes, I have referred to the narcissist as a ‘he’ here as my only experience has been with two males. Please forgive the reference, there are plenty of female narcissistic abusers out there.

Sometimes life has a funny way of pushing you down, testing you, testing your will, your ability to rise against, your patience and your virtue.

When things seem smooth sailing and great, it just so happens that a huge wave is actually forming and building itself up against you!

Why do these occurrences happen and why is our soul tested in so many ways?

It can be exhausting, and damn right not fair. If you step outside your minds eye for a minute and assess the situation perhaps only then can you get clearer clarity and gain a better perspective of the situation.

Life throws us curve balls every single day but its up to us how we choose to accept this challenge.

The only way we can learn and grow as a person is to be placed in situations that enable us to better ourselves. What exactly is it that we are running from and why do we tend to build such a great big thick wall around our hearts to keep out any hurt that may occur.

Fear is a a huge obstacle course that takes us through a journey from the past. We hold onto it because we believe in our minds that we are not worthy of anything better. This fear is so built up that it has a life force all of its own disabling us to just be in the present, in the moment and to be at peace with ourselves.

It’s true and its very real, but what do you do when this ugly thing rears its disgusting head and tries to take control of your life? I could say face fear head on and move through it but it isn’t that easy. It takes time to recognize these emotions and what really triggers it off. If you are willing to work through it and admit that the past still haunts you then it’s the first step in disabling this emotion.

It’s hard and I know this first hand, but everything is a working progress and people will come into your life to show you or even make you aware without them knowing that improvement needs to be made with one self. A time for healing and a time for some honest truth with yourself.

I write this through my own experience and I have much work that needs to be done but I am grateful for opportunities in which have presented themselves and have given me a reality check.

You may loose some beautiful people in your life as a result of your fears, but those that are willing to see it through and be there at your worst are sure as anything deserving of you at your best.

lesson learnt!

We hear these words “narcissistic supply” a lot, and we may have even realised that narcissists need it and orient their lives around it.

But what does it really mean?

The truth is quite chilling and it’s essential to understand.

Narcissistic supply is a drug – it provides an emotional life force for the narcissist.

Like all drugs, “narcissistic supply” is chased for pain relief.

Like all addictions it’s the relief from pain that is addictive.

Addictions are a short term answer to being able to relieve oneself from emotional or physical pain.

The truth is emotional pain is often the most horrendous of all pains. Emotional pain is felt somatically in the body – and is usually more painful than physical pain, due to the self-annihilating beliefs about oneself that accompany it.

I discussed this in my article: How to Deal With Your Emotional Pain: The Right Way In Order To Grow and Expand.

Traditionally, all addictions are used to escape emotional pain and the horrendous accompanying self-definitions of, “I am worthless, defective and no good.”

Any energy that is sought from the outside to escape the fear of “self” is unwholesome, and generates more pain.

Such is the truth of a sex addict – who procures sex to avoid inner pain, or an alcoholic or a gambler, or a person engaged in any other addictive pursuit.

Like most addicts, the narcissist has to “mask” the addiction in order to get the supply. He or she doesn’t express to people, “I can’t stand being alone with myself. I need you to provide me with something / anything that takes me away from my inner self-annihilating self.”

In stark contrast, the narcissist strives to create a persona of confidence, charm and empowerment in order to groom others for narcissistic supply.

Why the Narcissist Has to Frenetically Avoid Self
The narcissist’s inclination towards addiction is horrific. All addicts have a reduced threshold to self-soothe – meaning to be with self to process emotional disruption and insecurities.

The ability to self-soothe requires emotional maturity and an “inner solidness,” which is reliant on healthy emotional development. Emotional intelligence is granted from healthy role models as a child, or self-created purposefully as result of inner emotional resolution and development work as an adult.

The narcissist is emotionally stunted – somewhere between the age of 3-7 years of age. Even though he or she may even be mentally brilliant in certain aspects, emotionally he or she is severely immature and has never developed. At a young age the narcissist “killed off” his or her inner self, deciding it was unacceptable and unable to get needs met, and developed a False Self replacement.

This False Self, because it is a false self is not real, authentic or stable. It is a childish fictitious character ever reliant on outside approval or attention. Because it is childish it is dependent, precarious and easily emotionally triggered. It does not possess the mature integrity of love, truth or loyalty.

The False Self is dependent on gaining validation that confirms its existence. This external validation is sought to avoid the narcissist sinking inside him or herself and feeling the truth of how the narcissist really feels about his or her existence,“The real me is a defective self that I despise and need to avoid at all costs.”

The narcissist’s inner being (the True Self) is damaged. When the cracks appear and the insane behaviour begins, this is the real person you meet. The inner self has trapped within it the festering accumulated wounds that the narcissist has tried to divorce him or herself from, by procuring narcissistic supply as the distraction.

The narcissist is engaged in constant self-avoidance.

These are original wounds that have never been healed. The literal abuse, neglect and mixed messages from childhood. The ineffective parental mirroring that did not allow the child to grow up with a sense of connection, safety, dependability, accepting and understanding limits, learning the ability to be resilient and self soothe, and learning how to delay gratification – which also created the inability to understand a peripheral of others, have a conscience or empathy, or know a reverence and love for self, others and life itself.

This is the basis of all addictive behaviour – a separation from self-worth, self-love and the ability to inwardly emotionally navigate life healthily.

If an individual does not have the inner resources, then they believe a sense of “self” must be provided by the outside world.

The narcissist pays the ultimate price of the disowned inner self being replaced by the False Self (ego). When the emotional going gets tough, the narcissist discovers he or she has only a shriveled inner being at the helm. This ineffectual inner being is defenceless when trying to fend off the self-annihilating Inner Critic, who confirms the narcissist’s gravest nightmare, “You are totally defective.”

The narcissist does not feel connected to, and loved and accepted by “existence.” He or she is suffering the ultimate spiritual starvation – which is the basis of trying to seek “self” in the wrong places. The wrong places means “the outside.”

This always brings about a feeling of unworthiness, scarcity mindedness, and the need to compete – the need to outsmart and the desire to win at the expense of someone else losing because of the beliefs of “not enoughness” “I am not enough” and there is “not enough” – therefore I have to be someone inauthentic and manipulative to try to win – and everyone else does this in a “dog eat dog” world.

That is the orientation of narcissism.

In the quest for narcissistic supply, people are reduced to objects. People are not individuals; they are just a drug to relieve inner torment. The pathology of maladaptation to avoid the narcissists’ inner wounds are so severe that these wounds are projected onto anyone else who is a target of supply.

The narcissist honestly believes these people are in fact the ones using the narcissist for narcissist supply.

Such is the twisted brain wiring, which acts as a buffer to preserve the narcissist’s False Self, and to continue avoiding his or her inner self.

“My bad feelings are always someone else’s fault.”

The Vicious Cycle of Narcissistic Supply
Like all maladaptation, created through fear and self-avoidance, there is a vicious self-perpetuating cycle.

This is true for any addiction.

The narcissist’s cycle is this: Inner anguish and self-loathing – seeking relief through outside attention to try to confirm another “reality” (the fictitious self) – not receiving feedback that adequately confirms the childish unrealistic demands of the False Self (an inevitable emotional hair-line trigger gets hit) – then more narcissistic supply is necessary to try to offset that narcissistic injury (the pain of inner anguish and self-loathing) … then … back to the start.

This is the spiral into total insanity, more pain and greater self-delusion.

As you see this cycle is self-perpetuating with no way out ….

The very definition of addiction is: when an urge or compulsion has emotional control over you. Narcissists feel powerless to control their urge to self avoid and seek outside attention to try to offset inner pain. It is a force that they have no conscious control over – like a parasitical energy which has a life of its own.

The truth of the matter is: the narcissist’s True Self (inner being) has been taken hostage by his or her ego.

A very, very good book to read, to grant you more information regarding the psychic virus of an ego run amok, is “Dispelling Wetiko” by Paul Levy. This book is heavy – and has a fair bit of psycho-babble – but nevertheless is a powerful account of the disease of narcissism.

Like all addictions, the true solution is consciousness. It is about humble and committed self-reflection (which an energised ego won’t allow). It is about addressing the core wounds that are fuelling the inner pain and the urge to avoid self.

There truly is no other solution for breaking the cycle.

The addiction to narcissistic supply is simply a symptom of these wounds – it’s how the narcissist’s wounds show up in every day physical life. The cause is so much more than an anxiety compulsion.

What is Narcissistic Supply?
Quite simply, narcissistic supply is energy – it is attention. It’s the knowing, “If I can extract attention from you, it allows me to know I exist.”

This may seem really weird – but if we can imagine that the True Self has been completely disowned and engulfed by a fictitious character of no real substance, then we can imagine how the narcissist feels. Sam Vaknin describes this feeling as being ‘dead on the inside.’

I have had narcissists (when I used to try to work on them with QFH years ago) tell me in rare windows of narcissistic injury – when the shock was so severe that their ego had momentarily crumbled – that they feel lifeless. Like their inner self was a huge black empty gaping hole.

The myth of vampires is modelled on narcissists. It is about the “un-dead” – beings not dead, but certainly not alive, and needing to suck the life blood of humans in order to exist.

I know it is creepy, but that is exactly what narcissists are – they need to suck energy and attention from people to feel alive in any capacity. And they need this distraction to try to drown out the inner screams of unworthiness, and defectiveness that are always threatening to emotionally eat them alive.

Emotionally healthy people are a source of their own good energy, which they bring to the table of life. This generates more good energy and expands life force. Narcissists are like a black hole sucking energy from life, as a bottomless pit. This is why they reduce, take and annihilate life force.

Narcissists, like vampires and parasites, are anti-life.

This is why, when a narcissist has targeted you as his or her drug dealer of narcissistic supply, you feel emptied out. Simply sitting with a person who is a psychic vampire, regardless of the “show” they are putting on, leaves you feeling emotionally drained and exhausted.

Initially narcissists are very good at reflecting back to you energy and making you believe they are supplying you with wonderful “energy” – but it’s set up to appear like that … and sooner or later the tables are turned horrendously.

As you more than likely have experienced ….

Narcissistic supply is all about this: “I need you to supply me with the version of myself I want to be, to escape the real self-loathing ‘dead’ inner version of myself.”

So this really means: “Give me something that lets me know I exist.”

Of course approval and acclaim is wonderful.

The problem is, this is sooner or later distrusted. The terminal issue is that narcissists loath themselves, and consequently don’t trust, believe or “like” anyone else either.

The “love” they feel for people is only the “high” of temporary relief from inner torment, which is NOT real love in any capacity.

As a result, inevitably the initial acclaim and high of narcissistic supply (approval) inevitably turns into, “Why is this person so nice? I know they are manipulating. They have an agenda; they are not to be trusted. They are setting me up to get something from me.”

So, the very approval the narcissist craves in order to escape his or her inner demons, is sabotaged.

But this still creates narcissistic supply, because the narcissist continues to avoid his or her inner self. Now this person is blamed for the very pathologies the narcissist suffers from. He or she is conveniently scapegoated for the narcissist’s painful unresolved inner wounds.

The goal posts get shifted, the narcissist starts poisoning, confusing, abusing – and the person who is “loving” the narcissist is severely wounded and reacts.

Now intense attention is granted.

The narcissistic now has A-grade narcissistic supply.

The narcissist receives the twisted delight in having his or her existence even more confirmed, “I must be incredibly significant to reduce you to this level of reaction.”

So many of us, before understanding narcissism, had no comprehension as to why a narcissist would so carelessly and purposefully stir the pot. When we understand what the total goal is – gaining narcissistic supply – we can understand there is very little value to the narcissist in creating harmonious, nurturing, sane, peaceful lives.

There is nowhere near enough drama in that to create diversions from being with self.

This is why it is so stock standard for narcissists to unexpectedly act out outrageous behaviour after bouts of things going well. When things get too calm, the narcissist starts sinking inwards to his or her wounds and needs to explode outwards away from them.

Please understand narcissistic supply is the use of any energy to know that they exist. When you start pulling away, this could be any tactic you could imagine.

The most common is any contact the narcissist does to get your head ticking. If the narcissist knows he or she can screw with your mind – this alone grants them the feeling of, “I exist because I know I can affect you.”

Any attention you grant – anything at all – just sucks you in deeper and feeds the narcissist. Any energy you burn on: why he or she said that, or did that, or what the agenda could be, or what he or she is really thinking, and so on and so forth, psychically, emotionally, mentally and physically sucks you dry.

If you are reading this article, there is every chance you know exactly what I mean – the feeling of being psychically taken over, and parasitically violated.

Objectification and Selling Out
Think of a severely addicted drug addict – what are they capable of doing? Selling their child? Some definitely are capable of doing anything to get the drug. One thing is for certain, the narcissist sold his or her soul out to serve the False Self long ago.

If you are connected to a narcissist, you are easily sold out as well. If you are not serving the False Self adequately, and you never can, nobody and nothing can – not the most loving, attractive or intelligent person, not the latest and best car, not the greatest riches, not the plushest penthouse … nothing will ever cut it – inevitably you will be devalued and discarded.

Like most hardened drug addicts, narcissists have back up supplies. After the initial idealisation phase wears off with partners, narcissists don’t get the insatiable “hit” they crave, and need supply in reserve – without loyalty, conscience or a backward glance.

Each object of supply, including people, is sought to get relief. Then like an entitled, never appeased child, each object is abused, broken and then tossed aside for another and another and another.

The False Self is insatiable and self-annihilating – that’s the purpose of the ego – it’s a virus. It destroys everything in its path and ultimately its host.

For the narcissist nothing ever lasts, there is never any commitment, love or loyalty. Everything and everyone is an object that will never make the grade, or produce real and abiding self-love, self-acceptance and inner tranquility – which is everyone’s reason for striving for anything.

The ultimate lesson for every human is this: these deeply desired emotions are states. They are never things we get, or people we get – they are not conditional on what we get in any shape or form – they are created by who we are being unconditionally as a state within ourselves.

They are deeply reliant and created only by the connection and relationship we have with our own inner self, regardless of what we do or don’t “get.”

The Narcissist and Co-dependent Similarities, and Our Healing
My purpose in discussing narcissists is not to put our focus on narcissists, believing that is the answer to our woes.

My purpose in discussing narcissists is to raise consciousness. In order to do that, we can only ever take responsibility for our own consciousness.

Consciousness is the ability to self-reflect, and to deeply work at the level of “No longer am I going to focus on what has happened to me – I am going to deeply assess and confront why this has happened to me.”

Evolving our consciousness entails taking 100% radical personal responsibility – it is the understanding there is only one thing we can ever affect and change – ourselves.

This is the only place where we have any power, to become the change we want to see in the world – one person at a time.

The more we point the finger to the outside at everyone else’s unconsciousness and don’t address our own consciousness levels, the more we contribute to unconsciousness.

I see this happen, time and time again in the abuse recovery communities. Intense focus on narcissists and nowhere near enough personal self-reflection or development.

We have no ability to change narcissists, and quite frankly no power or right to, because the narcissistic is not “us.” The only ability and right we ever have is: to change ourselves. That is the ONLY place our power lies.

If we don’t work on raising our own consciousness, then we will continue to attract narcissists, and be damaged by them, regardless of the logical information we know about them.

Life’s attractions, interactions and lessons are not being created at the level of the logical mind, which is always looking “outwards” and is intensely unconscious.

Our personal life experience is being generated by the subconscious currents that drive our choices, attractions and encounters. This is the 40 million bits of information that is being processed per second in your unconscious, as the powerful generator of your life, not the mere 40 bits of information per second taking place in your logical mind.

No-one would logically choose a narcissist – and I promise you that you certainly did not, just as I didn’t.

To become conscious, we need to be aware that everything and everyone in our life that is hurting us is showing us an aspect of ourselves that we haven’t found, acknowledged, and healed yet.

This is the “why” this happened to us.

There are many powerful healing reflections we can understand from the narcissist’s insatiable need for narcissistic supply – all generated from the urge to get outer approval.

It is very empowering to take responsibility for where we matched up to this.

Where were we struggling to confirm, accept and love self? What levels of deficient unconditional love did we have for ourselves? Where and why were we making our feelings about ourselves reliant on other people “seeing” and validating our worth for us?

I did a healing session with a lovely NARP Member yesterday, and her deep beliefs that appeared, which we shifted in the healing session were: “My survival relies on other people’s approval.”

This lady is not a narcissist. She has a conscience; she does not purposely manipulate or lie. She would never knowingly hurt anyone – yet of course she has hurt herself many times.

She has suffered feelings of emotional powerlessness when people haven’t approved of her, and she has hung on for crumbs with abusers. She has said “Yes” so many times and handed her personal power over, when “No” would have been self-loving and self-honouring. She has also struggled with addictions to try to ease her pain of this personal emptiness and powerlessness.

Can you see the direct match up?

Her simply learning about narcissists would never be her answer. After her first narcissistic abuse experience she became an expert researcher. She knew all there was to know about narcissists, yet she found herself smack bang in another narcissistic relationship.

Naturally the only true solution is the healing of her inner wounds that are matching her up subconsciously with narcissists. Fortunately that is the deeply committed inner work that she is determined to do, because she has had enough of the continual cycle of her faulty painful inner beliefs generating with life the validity of those beliefs.

Such is the power of the 40 million bits of information being processed per second within us. Our ingrained emotional painful beliefs play out to the letter, until we make the unconscious conscious, and heal them.

The Blind Spots of Unconsciousness
My client and I had a very interesting conversation at the end of the session yesterday about unconsciousness. She acknowledged that she has always felt like this since she could remember.

What this means is: she never knew any different. The anxiety was always there, the precarious self-loathing when people didn’t approve, or didn’t grant her feedback that made her feel valued, and the powerlessness of clinging on to trying to make abusive people grant her her worthiness.

Then came her total understanding that her mind kicked in try to manage these wounds. It looked outwards, and created stories. These stories go like this: “I’m really upset with the way you treated me,” or “Why do other people always get chosen and I don’t?,” or “I know you are horrible to me yet I still want you to acknowledge me, love me and look after me.”

In other words, if we remain unconscious, we all fall into the dire illusion that it is the outside creating our pain. Which is a totally false premise, because it is the inner faulty beliefs that are responsible. Life and others are simply stage-players playing out the scenes that produce the validity of these beliefs.

My client was going to approach her boss, over her dismissive treatment yesterday. Just like she had been confronting the latest narcissist about his treatment of her. Fortunately now she understands her true solution is the healing of her painful inner belief systems.

Her emancipation was always about meeting herself.

The truth is this – the battle we are doing in this Community is NOT a war against narcissism. It is a proactive movement to up-level consciousness.

“Wars” don’t work. Whenever we push back against something, all it ever does is energise it, confirm it more and feed it energy to push back harder.

We are never going to eliminate abuse and narcissists by doing that ….

Narcissists are pathologically unconscious. The narcissist has no ability to go inwards, face and deal with original wounds and up-level the very reasons as to why he or she projects inner wounds onto others and blames people for them. The narcissist is not going to heal his or her original inner wounding and break the vicious self-defeating cycle of trying to gain validation of self from the outside.

We will never force the narcissist to, and we will never protect people by focusing intense energy on narcissists.

The only remedy we ever have is to heal our own unconsciousness so that we are never again a match for another unconscious person.

When enough people do that – narcissists will no longer be able to groom “the outside” for supply. Conscious people simply do not get picked off by energetic predators.

You can only get picked off by a narcissist if you have the blind-spots of your own unconsciousness.

Powerless unconsciousness means holding someone else responsible for your own blind-spots.

Something we all need to deeply understand is: the more energy and focus that is granted to narcissists and narcissism grants narcissistic supply. It enables them and this horrible virus to exist.

Detaching fully and channeling our energy into the up-levelling of our consciousness starves narcissists – and without our energy to parasitically feed off they can’t exist.

The true healing solution always was, and always will be, raising our own consciousness.

I appeal to you to please share this article … because it is information that can assist the abuse recovery community on many levels.

Written by Melanie Tonia Evans

 

Narcissists and smear campaigns: Why they do it.

What is it with narcissists and smear campaigns??? If you’re reading this, you are most likely at the receiving end of a nasty, calculated and deliberate operation to poison your networks, driven by an abusive narcissist.
How is it possible that this can be happening? How can it be that on top of all you’ve suffered, you are now also facing losing family, friends, colleagues and/or community connections at the hands of the narcissist?
And all this, at a time when you’ve never needed support more.
Narcissistic abuse is devastating. There are no two ways about it. The narcissist comes at you, your identity, your life, like a wrecking ball smashing everything to pieces.
The smear campaign is just one more of the abusive narcissist’s tools custom built to destroy you.
Sense-making is so critical to your recovery journey. It is an instinctive reaction to any trauma in moving towards resolving the inexplicably awful.
As a victim of narcissistic abuse, you are also wrangling cognitive dissonance on a grand scale.
These factors combined are producing your voracious hunger for answers and researching narcissism.
Whilst no real sense can ever truly be made of pathological actions for the victim, this article intends to give you some answers.
We will look at what the smear campaign is; and why and when narcissists use this as a go-to strategy.
What is the ‘smear campaign’?
It is the intentional and systematic dissemination of deceptive information designed to undermine, discredit, and further isolate you.
The narcissist paints you in a misleading and toxic light using strategies including but not limited to exaggeration, instigation of rumours, slander, and lies.

The spreading of misinformation is not necessarily restricted to verbal communication. Some may go so far as to falsify documentation to substantiate their wild claims.
To get you where it really hurts, they target any person available to them who matters to you. No one and nothing is off limits to the narcissist.
This encompasses your family members, all friends both mutual and non-mutual, employer and/or co-workers, and members of communities to which you belong (e.g.: church, volunteering organisations, sporting teams etc.).
Anyone accessible to the narcissist in your professional and personal networks is fair game.
This will be mind blowing to you – how could they possibly go there? Your family? Your friends? How could they?
The answer is simple: because of their complete lack of boundaries and respect for yours or anyone else’s.
Why do narcissists and smear campaigns go hand-in-hand?
There will never be an adequate explanation for the horrendous act of being smeared with such vindictiveness. Particularly from one who either has, or still does, profess to care for you.
No reasoning will ever excuse the narcissist, nor account for the betrayal and broken trust you feel towards those in your previously solid support network who have lapped up the narcissists lies.
Having said this, understanding the motivations of the narcissist may help you acknowledge what kind of person they really are.
What makes them tic
Those who have Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) ‘discarded’ early on in life their true selves, replacing this with a false self as a protective mechanism.
This invented self is one built on beliefs of superiority, omnipotence, and entitlement.
Maintaining their delusion and the validity of their false self is a matter of survival (for their ego of course…). Because without this, there is no ‘self’ to the narcissist.
To sustain the beliefs attached to the false self, the narcissist constantly hunts for external reinforcement that they are correct. This is what fuels the narcissist, a.k.a. supply.
Asserting power over others through manipulation is how the narcissist proves to themselves that they are in control, and that they are indeed superior, omnipotent, and entitled to all they desire.
These mechanics are at the core of all the things the narcissist does. Including the smear campaign.
Let’s have a look at how it plays out.
Smear campaign triggers for narcissists
Scenario 1: Paving the way for discard
When the narcissist has sufficiently groomed their next target, and made the decision to move on to them, the inevitability of your discard looms.
This triggers their ‘go to’ set of well-used steps to make this happen.
As an abusive narcissist, they know that they have an established pattern of devaluation and discard in relationships.
They also know that to succeed in getting away with this repetitive cycle takes active management on their behalf.
In other words, to be able to keep doing it, they need people on side who won’t blow the whistle when they target and replace victims, one by one.
For the narcissist, the smear campaign is a handy strategy to mitigate the possibility of anyone asking questions, including the new target.
Specifically, questions around what kind of person would ditch their current partner (that they have been actively abusing and hence is suffering a bunch of psychological, mental, and physical symptoms which may be apparent to others), for someone they have been wooing as a replacement for quite some time?
And not just once, but over and over again.
Too many questions of this sort could place their choice of lifestyle, and any given primed & current source of supply, in jeopardy.
In addition to preventing this, and of equal importance to the narcissist is avoiding having their integrity questioned. The effect of this for them is tantamount to denying their superiority, omnipotence, and entitlement….a narcissistic injury in the making, and one to be avoided at all costs.
Clearly, protecting their abuse and discard lifestyle is paramount.
Being completely aware of all of this, the narc begins the smear campaign.
In this scenario, once the replacement is identified, and before discard takes place, the narcissist begins sowing insidious seeds of doubt in people’s minds.
Initially, subtle hints are suggested casually, and intricate tales involving some element of truth for believability are dropped here and there. For example, these could be weaving together evident facts to fit a fictitious tale, or exploiting your vulnerabilities.

As the need to discard becomes imminent, momentum gathers.
Having pinpointed receptive audiences in those who have not established a boundary with the narcissist, gears shift, and overt statements are made.
The narcissist at this point openly makes claims that are completely fabricated, as well as frequent projections detailing events that have actually taken place…except that upon their retelling suddenly you’ve both swapped roles. A reality switcheroo: you are the abuser, and they are the victim.
This is the aim of the game. To portray the narcissist as long-suffering at the hands of your crazed and abusive mind.
This way, the risk of being held accountable for their behaviours and actions is minimised. And, the likelihood of understanding from others of their need to break free from you, and receptivity to their new target, is increased.
Scenario 2: When you set yourself free
Believe it or not, the pervasive attitude of an abusive narc enacting Scenario 1, is one of nonchalance, almost of laziness. An entirely dispassionate (though thoroughly entertaining to the narc) and meticulous assassination of your character.
The purpose of the demolition is to remove you as an inconvenient obstacle to reaching their goal of replacing you with the new target.
In Scenario 2, the same basic mechanics take place as in Scenario 1, but the intent contrasts starkly.
See, here, you’ve upset the apple cart.
If you leave them, or have otherwise caused a significant narcissistic injury, the framework they cling to is fractured.
For a moment, annihilation takes place. Very briefly, the reality of their false self as a fabrication surfaces.
Narcissistic rage kicks in, and the drive to re-establish control and power over you, goes into hyperdrive. Their approach here is far more manic and backed by pure malevolence.
In this scenario, making you suffer in any way possible for daring to breach their delusional belief system is what consumes them.
Either way, the actions of one who seeks to malign the support networks, and character of one who is already hobbled from the suffering endured from their abuse, is beyond cruel. Monstrous in the extreme.
The choice
Pretty horrifying right?
If you have set yourself free and are facing the narcissist’s smear campaign, I hope that this information is some comfort. Of course, not for the fact of the gross losses you are coming to terms with, once again because of the narcissist.
The solace lies in knowing that you have made the choice to remove from your life a person capable of such calculated maliciousness. You can now begin your healing having cut the cancer out.
If you are reading this while still entangled with a narcissist, you may have reached for this article as part of weighing up your options in setting yourself free from the abusive relationship. As part of finding out what happens when you do walk away.
You may read this and think, ‘thanks for that big, fat deterring warning of the perils that await me if I break free – no way I’m doing that!’
But gorgeous one, if so, pause for a moment and think about this decision.
I mean really think about it.
In choosing to stay because of your dread of the smear campaign, and a million other very frightening possibilities – what are you choosing?
You are acknowledging what this person is: an abusive narcissist that you should indeed be fearful of.
A cruel, damaging human being, who will actively pursue harming you.
This is not cause to stay.
These are the very reasons you must break free as soon as possible. Think of it as your mitigating action to prevent ongoing harm by staying.

If you are fearful of your safety in any way, whether physically, psychologically, financially, in whatever way…reach out to your local authorities and support services for domestic violence to support you in breaking free.
But do this you must. For you.
There is no denying the difficulties at hand in breaking free.
Yet the sooner you surmount these (again, with support if needed), the sooner peace, freedom & joy will settle into your being.
You’ve got this gorgeous one.
As always gorgeous ones, please do share your insights, tips and experiences on the narcissist and smear campaigns. The more we share, the more we teach one another and help those in need to take their step towards freedom.
With gratitude,

Narcissists don’t want what you want and you can end up twisted like a pretzel trying to ‘work them out’. From your framework, values, and ideals you are always going to come up empty – because it’s like trying to understand a foreign language if you only spoke English!

Generally, people enter relationships for the goal of seeking love, happiness, and improvement to their life (peace and harmony). And when they are in the bliss chemicals of “love” it can feel like they’ve made it “home” to this place with another person.

However, if you have entered a relationship with a narcissist, within a period of time you start discovering anomalies to this model of “love”. In amongst the brain-bending confusion you see that they don’t want to remain happy and this is gut-wrenching. In fact, they would rather be “right” regardless of the cost to happiness, harmony, and peace.

And when there is a period of things going calmly and smoothly, this person needs to create drama or an episode that sabotages that peace. Then this person behaves as if the reconciliation you reached yesterday meant nothing.

All of this astounds you because naturally, you want resolution with issues. You want to put the bad times away, mend arguments and even be content with agreeing to disagree but for some reason, this person in your life does NOT want to be happy.

You don’t want to believe that there is a pattern here but you can’t deny that this happens over and over again.

And this one really bends your mind – this person says they LOVE you and wants this relationship to work (and may even declare they will do anything to ensure this relationship works) – YET their actions declare the exact opposite.

So what’s going on? – Narcissists are living as dire “separation” from Oneness – from community, honesty, harmony and authentic connection, and the emotional vulnerability of true love – and are literally terrified of it.

Because it would mean they would not be able to maintain the necessary “separation” they believe they need to survive in a world with people they can’t trust.

So why connect at all – why don’t narcissists stay apart and stop getting into relationships?

Because they need narcissistic supply.

They need narcissistic supply like a drug addict needs crack, ice or heroin … and the best source of narcissistic supply is other human beings.

Here is the quandary for the narcissist and it’s a tormenting one – one that is a fine balancing act that requires a great deal of acting, falsities, and drama. The narcissist needs to pull people close in order to extract narcissistic supply but needs to then push them away to keep them at arm’s length so that they never truly connect.

The act of love-bombing and “falling in love” is a powerful way to pull people in, and it grants copious amounts of narcissistic supply.

The intense “love” that the narcissist basks in, is no more than a huge hit of the drug that the addict blisses out in whilst under its effects. This is large doses in the honeymoon period big doses of the attention that the narcissist needs to feel “alive” – the feed of significance, accolades, recognition or even notoriety.

This is NOT genuine love, because the narcissist is still firmly and terminally “separate”. People whose brain wiring is under the influence of a False Self are connecting only for narcissistic supply – and not to “connect” into genuine Oneness (mutuality, respect, love, teamwork, trust, peace) with the other person.

In stark contrast, right for the beginning, the narcissist is gathering information about you, so that he or she is armed and ready to strip your power down, hit your weak spots and disable you so that you will never have the upper hand.

Psychically and emotionally you are being set up in a way that the narcissist believes you can and will be rendered harmless and controllable.

Of course, that is Universe’s apart from genuine love.

It’s actually a deadly game of know thy enemy.

Written by Melanie Tonia Evans

Much love xo ❤️

The narcissist is very capable of telling solicitors, police and courthouses exactly whatever lies they want to, in order to try to punish you, get the upper hand and win, project blame, create smear campaigns, play the victim as if they have been vilified (especially when things aren’t going well for him or her), and of course disregard any personal accountability for his or her unacceptable behaviour.

When you see the blatant lies unravel under your nose, you will initially be shocked. People who enter into relationships with personality disordered individuals usually have a high level of integrity, and as such, you may feel incredibly shattered when you think, How on earth could I have ever been in a relationship with this person?

Your anguish is: How on earth does someone behave like THAT? Especially someone I was having a LOVE relationship with?

Your whole sense of moving on and forward may be pulled into the narcissistic muck – the pathological “stink,” – because your emotions feel so polluted by the unfathomable lies and acts that this person creates.

What Else Would You Expect?

You know you have been subjected to the ridiculous conversations where the narcissist refused to remain topical, refused to answer questions, and would bring in absurd examples and allies to thrust down your throat with all the logic of an angry five-year-old.

You know that they have created untruths and smear campaigns against you in the past, and continually breaks his or her word, drags up information from the past (that he or she professed to be resolved with), and is never happy to live and reside in the now without projecting inner emptiness and torment onto you and making his or her inner demons your fault.

You know this person has a capacity to lie and falsify documentation and has told you how he or she has done this in the past to try to gain the upper hand, secure a deal or manipulate a situation.

You know that this person had no respect for integrity or karma at those times, and thought they were entitled to behave like this – regardless of committing fraud, breaking the law, or how it affected the integrity of an organisation or the reputation of other individuals.

You know this person is capable of faking situations, illnesses, and injuries in order to try and gain sympathy or detract from the real issues at hand.

You know this person is paranoid about being lined up and attacked and will resort to any lengths – criminal or pathological – to “defend” themselves, “one-up” the situation, and believe that the ends justifies the means.

So truly WHY should this be a surprise?

Narcissists are a false self – and therefore don’t have a conscience when it comes to lying. Their life is a scripted illusion of the fantasy and high acclaim they like to believe they are living, which is completely different from how they truly feel about themselves on an inner level.

When the walls crumble between the illusion and the reality, the narcissist resorts to more scripted lies to try and offset his or her narcissist injury of being exposed to the world for what he or she really is – a person without real substance.

I promise you the ability to lie is a self-inbuilt survival mechanism. You see, narcissists don’t believe the truth serves them. They don’t believe they are lovable and acceptable as they are, and they carry immense shame for the way they have to operate. As such, more lies are needed to cover up the previous lies; otherwise, the narcissist would have to face the truth of who they really are – and they will avoid that at all costs.

The narcissist’s lies are not personal – their lack of integrity and conscience has nothing to do with you, your life, and the creation of your truth.

What you are seeing is a gift; it is confirming to you the relief of knowing that you are getting this person out of your life. The relief of knowing there is no lost love with a person who has the ability to be a pathological liar, and this behaviour is something that decent people with mature and healthy emotional intelligence just don’t do.

To gain a greater understanding of what you are dealing with/or have been dealing with AND how to find relief and a healing solution to move forward in your life – sign up for my free 16 Day Recovery Course – https://bit.ly/35RfJYE.

Why? because you deserve to have a Thriver’s life – it’s your birthright.

 

written by Melanie Tonia Evans

Much love xo ❤️

How You Became the Other Woman

 

They say knowledge is key and using that knowledge becomes wisdom when applied.

“I cannot teach anybody anything. I can only make them think”
Socrates

Having recently started to educate myself about the masterminds of a narcissist , I have come across so much information in regards to the twisted turn of events, and how In Narcissistic relationships you become the “Other Woman”.

While the Narcissist’s infidelity itself is unfair, the really sad part is that when this happens to each woman, she feels extremely isolated because she thinks she’s the only one “crazy” enough to accept this arrangement. What she doesn’t realize is that this is very common among women who are involved in a dysfunctional relationship with a Narcissist. In fact, it’s one of the biggest indicators of the depth of pathological manipulation the Narcissist is capable of.

Logically, who would stay  to allow their partner to have a primary lover outside of the relationship, or stick around after being found out you’re just another supply after seeing first hand he was caught out or furthermore, him being exposed as having multiple “fake” relationships and declaring his love to each of these women and who only comes around when he’s bored or his main partner is “out of service” and using you?

 

Shocking, yes? If you haven’t been through this experience, you may have felt a sting of indignation just imagining this happening to you. If you have been through this, you probably felt nauseated. These are all natural reactions of those who have high moral standards and empathy for other people.

The Narcissist doesn’t have morals or empathy. He couldn’t care less about how his cheating affects the people in his life who are supposed to be precious to him. To drive my point, I read about a woman whose Narcissistic husband was out cheating while she lay in the delivery room about to give birth to their child!

If you’ve become the “Other Woman”, you are not alone. And while it may seem impossible right now, you can put a stop to this injustice and reclaim your dignity and self-worth. But first, I will explain how the Narcissist’s new love interest became his main squeeze and you morphed into the “Other Woman”, sitting around waiting for him to throw the proverbial bone.

1. The fall of the fairytale

At some point in your relationship, the Narcissist decided you weren’t good supply anymore. It may have been something simple, such as your asking him to put his dirty clothes in the laundry hamper, or being too tired to cook a four-course meal after working 12 hours. Narcissists are selfish and trivial that way. Or, perhaps it was something scandalous, like your catching him looking at porn or sending Facebook messages to other women. Either way, there was a definite turning point where you fell off the pedestal and he went looking for other sources of supply. You’ve seen his ugly side, and he can’t tolerate living under scrutiny. The whole crux of Narcissism is living as one pleases without any accountability.

2. The newer model

At this point, the Narcissist went out in search of a new source of livelihood. This is akin to someone going to a dealership and test-driving different cars. That’s exactly what the Narcissist does when he’s securing new supply. He doesn’t keep his focus on just one model, he wants to see what other models have to offer, and thus he literally went out (behind your back) openly flirting and hooking new victims.

After finding an acceptable replacement, he started the devalue and discard phase. All of your insecurities and weaknesses were manifested at once. He did and said everything he could in order to make you feel completely worthless. And it worked. Even worse, your feelings of not being good enough were amplified by the fact that he began to flaunt the new woman in your face.

3. The switch

This is where you converted to the Other Woman. The real OW became his new love interest and he discarded you. Often, this discard happens in front of the new woman. While she may gloat and have a holier-than-thou attitude about the whole thing, she doesn’t know that you were clueless about her until the last minute. Where you simply confronted your partner about cheating, she thinks you stalked him down because you’re bat-sh** crazy, as the Narcissist would have her believe. This scenario is often engineered by the Narcissist in order to deliver the final blow. Remember how you saw his ugly side? He has to overcompensate for that. And the only way he can accomplish this is by showing you how great he is to someone else, and what better way to do that than to tag-team against you with his new supply?

So there you were, utterly defeated and thrown away like yesterday’s meatloaf. The time and love you invested in the relationship was gone. Your self-esteem was at an all-time low, and you truly believed no one would ever give you the time of day for the rest of your life.

The reason you felt that way, and still do, is because the Narcissist brainwashed you into believing it. Much like Baby Elephant Syndrome, you remain trapped by your limiting beliefs.

You believed the Narcissist when he came around pretending to have second thoughts about the whole thing when, in reality, he realized someone else would eventually try to win your heart and that sure as hell isn’t going to happen if he has anything to do with it!

In the Narcissist’s mind, you are his property. Even though he doesn’t really want a relationship with you, he doesn’t want anyone else to have you, either. So, he threw out a few crumbs to see if you would bite, and you did.

(Every time I tried breaking off the relationship with my one, he would cry crocodile tears, proclaiming his love, to the point where he made you feel like you were the nasty one wanting out. I would always give in because he was so good at manipulating his words, I fell for them, until that fateful day that I actually caught him in bed with another woman. He couldn’t explain himself out of that one with me so instead he reacted with violence. Blessed am I now to be done and dusted with that relationship!)

…Back to you

You gave him a key to your new apartment. You allowed him back into your bed. You started paying some of his bills again while he fed you soup about being “trapped” in the relationship with the new woman. According to him, the only reason he started a relationship with her was because she offered him something you couldn’t (money, social connections, fringe benefits, etc.) Furthermore, you’re not good wife material, but he still cares about you and doesn’t want to lose you…sound familiar? In time, you found yourself waiting endlessly for him to give you one minute of his spare time while he went about his days without giving you a second thought…until it would serve him in some way to do so.

It’s Not Love

You think you’re still in love, but it’s not love…it’s toxic attachment. If you’ve heard of toxic relationship cords, the two of you are connected energetically and because the relationship was so intense, these cords are thicker and more defined. Cords of attachment are negative and hold the negative energies that were part of the relationship. In this cord are stuck memories of betrayal, anger, hatred, sadness, fear, rejection etc. Even if you’re no longer seeing each other, because of this cord, toxic emotions affect your peace of mind, health and happiness.

Through a combination of toxic cord attachments and the Narcissist’s conditioning, you are energetically and mentally connected to your abuser. You are ensnared in a “trance of unworthiness”. And you look to your abuser to anoint you with value, but that won’t happen. Ever – unless he’s trying to hoover you back into his snare.

You are the only one that can acknowledge your worth, and it’s not something you have to earn. It’s something you already possess. It’s buried underneath your feelings of personal deficiency, and only through recognizing this and facing it head on will you begin true healing.

In closing, in order to truly heal you must cut all ties with the Narcissist. He will only leave you stewing in a swamp of shame. Regardless of what he says, he doesn’t love anyone…not even the new woman, in spite of what it may look like.

Your healed life starts with one step…

She’s an advocate for what’s morally right

She won’t back down without a fight
Through her experiences her character is forged
Lighting the way for others with her torch
A protector for the wounded hearts
She’s a warrior and with you she will march
This gypsy woman has your best interest in sight
Guiding the way even when day seems like night
Don’t allow the wicked ways of the world blind you
Be on guard for those that try to fool you and trust only few
A woman should always have another woman’s back
To help those in need so that they don’t become sidetracked
This woman who has come to be
This woman I look at is a reflection of me

Written by
Elizabeth Pozoglou

When I look back I can clearly see now all the red flags, all the telltale signs and the warnings from family and friends.
Yet I had chosen to overlook them, blindsided to the fact that I always tried to see the good in someone, give them the benefit of a doubt and looking for the potential they could possibly emanate.
But in reality I was dealing with a narcissist. And the only way to win with a narcissist is to not play at all. Game over!
I played it for far longer then I anticipated, 2 1/2 years of my time and energy wasted but then again in retrospect I can look back and think one day I’ll write a book about this, possibly a song or even do talks and educate others, forewarn them of the potential dangers of ever getting involved with a narcissist. Life’s lessons huh! Just stepping stones in the grand sceme of things … reminding myself here that it’s not about the destination but rather the journey along the way.

So not entirely wasted after all …

These last few weeks have had me researching so much information about the narcissist, how they operate, their mindset, their disorder, the complexity of how they view us as objects rather then people. I needed to understand it, how it came to this point and why.  My mind needed to comprehend and process everything in order for me to completely understand that none of this was my fault and I don’t hold myself accountable for somebody else’s actions.

The sad thing is that I feel sorry in part because as a narcissist they will never know how to love or to receive love. They will always remain empty souls, seeking the validation of others to feed their ego. It’s a drug to them, an energy supply they go in search for.

Yes I should be angry and yes it would be easy to condemn him for his actions, for the manipulation and the mind games of trying to control somebody’s life just for their own gratification.
But above that I should be even more angry and hold contempt towards him for laying his hands on me because nobody has the right to touch another let alone inflict harm unto them. Anger is a too harsher word for me… Because holding onto anger only punishes myself. As the saying goes  “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”
Budha

So I choose to let go …

 

 

This isn’t about you anymore, this is about me starting my healing journey to recovery. You’re not the centre of my universe as you would like to think you are, you’re merely just a life lesson and one I have learnt a great deal from. So thank you. Thank you for teaching me valuable lessons in my life, to not trust so easily with words if it’s not backed with actions and thank you for teaching me that ones trust needs to be earnt over time rather then be given freely all at once.

I will never get an apology from you, you don’t even know what remorse means let alone empathy. But that’s ok because I wouldn’t believe the words that would utter out of your mouth anyway.

I choose to forgive, I forgive the part of me that allowed you in and I forgive so that I can continue walking forth with conviction in my step and courage within my wake, with truth as my witness and honesty surging through my veins. This is teaching me a great deal about myself, the strength I hold and the integrity I now walk in.

I care not of what the people think of me right now, the flying monkeys, because I’ve always said that somewhere down the line the truth always surfaces.
The thing is that the sheeple people of today are so easily mislead. I was fooled, they too will be fooled. That ones easy enough to guess.
BUT…
I’m not dictated by the thoughts and the judgements of those that don’t matter to me because those that do matter to me know me for who I am and will always have my back, they know the truth.

Ultimately in the end one can’t hide or run from the truth.  That’s a universal law, another word for god, or however way your faith works.

karmic lessons in motion …

 

So now I say game over, it’s finished and I win!
Your love game didn’t work on me.